deduct this

So I'm getting my taxes done in about an hour. Last night I was running around from appointment to appointment like a madman, and realized that I had only about 45 minutes to totally get ready for my tax lady. Problem is I had a stack of papers about knee-high to go through as I hadn't filed anything away in at least a year. So I plopped down on the floor and threw bills and receipts into piles like I was on some good crank. I came up with a pretty good list of deductions, including two trips to film festivals I took last year, a new laptop, and tons of script contest entry fees and postage. All year I thought I was fucking up and not keeping any receipts, but I found by looking through my old checks and credit card bills, I could pretty much piece together (and prove) the deductible items. Just a hint for y'all. Thank me later. (Unless you get audited, in which case you're on your own.)

My tax lady is the best tax lady. My tax lady gets me fat-ass refunds. My tax lady don't own a car. My tax lady don't believe in paying taxes herself. ("What are they gonna take away from me that ain't already done been took?") My tax lady is most likely going to get either me or her or both of us arrested some year. But man, I love my tax lady when those refund checks come.

And though my tax lady gets a lot of stuff deducted for me in my quest to make a living as an actor/writer, there really are so many more expenses I have that should be deductible. Like:

Altoids. (How can you go on a meeting having stank breath?)

Popcorn. (Sure, you can deduct films, but what the hell are you going to do while watching the movie if you don't have popcorn to throw at people?)

CD's. (I write to music. It's as simple as that.)

Porn. (How dare the IRS judge where I get my inspiration.)

Beer. (Obviously.)

The little thing that you-

Ooh, shit! Forget this. You know what I just saw! Max Wright, the dad from Alf was caught smoking crack! There are photos! On the cover of the National Enquirer or whatever. Holy shit. My friend insisted he was just lighting a candle. Yeah, and then stuffing it into a glass pipe and smoking it. Go check it out. It's both hilarious and disturbing, and then it's hilarious again.

And finally, a huge happy birthday (here now on the fourth), to Pamie. Please thank your parents for us, girl.

The Robert Downey Jr. Happy Song Corner


Downey needs help with his 1040.
  home   back   index   next   howl