who dat? contest:
private parts, the negotiator
pamie was the first to get it right
celebrity interview: Ethan Hawke
As my last interview with Samantha Mathis
was so successful, I decided to make this a continuing series. Getting busy celebrities to
agree to sit down with me is difficult, but I know this girl who knows this guy who has
this ex who used to work for the friend of a personal manager and after a week of cajoling
and finally blackmail, I now have an in to a good number of celebrities.
I sit on a large rock in the hills near the Hollywood sign
because it is a place of dreams, Hollywood, and what better symbol of the dream than the
sign that brings them one and all to the star-machine that is LA, symbolized by the sign
under which I sit on a rock, waiting. And trudging up the hill wearing ripped jeans and a
Prada shirt comes Ethan Hawke. Ethan Hawke is a total tool, but hes the best I could
get on such short notice.
ETHAN HAWKE: Hey bro.
ME: So, thanks for coming out. You dont mind if I record this, do you?
EH: Like opposed to writing longhand. (laughs)
ME: (pause) Whatever. So Ethan, whats it like to have sex with Uma Thurman.
EH: Uma is great. Shes so talented and is turning out to be a really great mother-
ME: Shut yo mouth.
ME: Like the old funk songs. Someone says, "shes stacked like a
motherfucker" and someone else busts in all, "shut yo mouth!" Cutting
off the swear word.
EH: Oh. Anyway, listen, I really dont want to talk about my personal life.
ME: OK. Lets move on. Gattaca. What happened?
EH: Gattaca was very slick and beautiful, but I think people ignored the deep social
impact of a future in which genetics can be controlled.
ME: Mystery Date. What happened?
EH: I dont think the world was ready for such a multi-layered examination of the
Byzantine mating rituals of our species.
ME: The Newton Boys. What happened?
EH: That was Skeet Ulrichs fault.
ME: You wrote a novel called The Hottest State.
EH: Yeah. It had been brewing in my mind for a long time. I have so much to express, you
know, like on the inside. And my theatre company and my film work just wasnt giving
it to me. So I pulled out my old typewriter and sat on the floor drinking scotch. You
know, like Faulkner or Hemmingway. Just an artist and the blank page. Its the
ultimate battle. Like a bullfight. I clickity-clacked away for days on end. Breaking only
to take walks in the rain down on the Lower-East side.
ME: Romantic and shit.
EH: Gritty. And the piece was all inside me, man. Once I got started it practically wrote
ME: Apparently. Let me read you something: "Hawke's mercifully brief story is really
an extended hissy fit
" "This clumsily written novel
ME: Yeah, the New York Times is so jealous of you. Wait, this one is positive the
spelling errors are not mine by the way: "I love that William is this honest and
confussed young man who goes crazy over Sarah. William is very poetic by the writing Ethan
protrays as he resites lines from plays. One line that William says to Sarah is
You're fucking beautiful is one of my favourite lines, because he admits the
truth and he's not using a cliche, as most man do. For instance most man say, You're
the most beautifulest woman I have ever set eyes on it's very common and yet it just
sounds like a pick-up line."
EH: See, thats good! Whos that one from?
ME: "A reader in Ontario". From the Amazon.com comments section.
EH: Oh. Uh, cool. The people have spoken.
ME: I agree with the review. When I like a girl, I usually say "Youre the most
beautifulest woman I have ever set eyes on", but its just so cliche. Everyone
says that. Whereas you take the risky route. You say, "Youre fucking
beautiful." On what foggy, angst-filled night did you stumble across that kind of
EH: I know, it really says it, doesnt it. Well, I had the character just saying,
ME: No impact whatsoever.
EH: I know, huh? And then it hit me: "fucking" is such a passionate word. So
full. And why not put them together, you know. Like a sucker-punch to the gut.
ME: Yeah. Hard hitting. Heres one more from Amazon: "Someone Help, the written
word is in serious trouble. I confess, I bought this book only because I enjoyed
the films Gattaca and Great Expectations. Ethan Hawke is a fine actor, but he cannot
write! His characters are sloppy and immature, especially William, the main character. All
William does is sit around and break household appliances."
EH: I dont write for the adults, bro. I dont expect them to remember what
its like to be young and talented and in this like existential dilemma.
ME: Im not done, "I am 14 and I can figure this out this book sucks."
EH: Oh. (pause) Jealous.
ME: I see. How is Uma Thurman in bed?
EH: Im not going to talk about that.
(We sit in silence for a minute.)
ME: I had a dream about you a few years ago.
Ethan Hawke is a hell of a
nice guy and a damn fine actor. Probably the best actor of his generation. If not ever.
EH: Really. I totally believe in dreams. I read a lot of dream manuals.
ME: I dreamt that you stole my kitten.
ME: And then you turned into a monkey and exploded.
ME: Yeah. That would make a good movie.
ME: You know that me and Todd almost kicked your ass once?
ME: Yeah. We went a Bogosian show in New York and you were there and we were all laughing
at you, right? And Todd offered me 50 bucks if I lured you into an alley after the show
and helped kick your ass.
EH: Im glad you didnt. Im a lover not-
ME: There was this other time at the Wetlands club downtown, and you made out with my
friends girlfriend, and he was seriously about to kick your ass.
EH: Im sure I didnt know she was going out with someone. What was her name?
ME: There was this other time you lived in my girlfriends building, and we rode the
elevator together, and you were reading an issue of GQ and you had it opened to a photo
spread of you totally holding it so I would see it and think youre cool.
EH: Do you?
ME: Yeah, kinda. Um, do you think Im cool?
EH: Sure, bro.
EH: Yeah man. Totally.
ME: Cool. (I hand Ethan a manila envelope.)
EH: Whats this?
ME: Its my headshot and resume. I was wondering if you could maybe pass it on to
your agent. Your "team", in Hollywood lingo.
ME: Im really good.
EH: Yeah, Im sure.
ME: You think maybe theres anything in Snow Falling on Cedars, or the Hamlet update
EH: Those are in the can.
ME: Do you think theres anything in them for me maybe?
EH: We shot them already.
ME: A small part, whatever. A line or two?
EH: Yeah, Ill look into it.
ME: I do a really good Irish accent. Listen: Liam. Liam. Lets go lift a pint er two
down at the pub.
ME: And Russian. Boris, vould you like some wodka?
EH: Great. You rock.
ME: Thanks. I really enjoyed you in Alive. That shit was funny.
ME: Yeah man. Laughed my ass off. (I get up and turn around.) See, no ass. Ha!
EH: Alive. With the cannibalism?
ME: Yeah. "Pretend its chicken, dude." Shit. See, were riffing. I
think well work really well together.
EH: Sure man. Thats cool. I should go. One last question.
ME: OK. Whats is like to sleep with Uma Thurman? (laughing loudly) Get
cuz you were like "Im not going to talk about it" and Im
like asking anyway. And three times cuz comedy comes in threes. Damn, were funny
ME: Peace, bro.
This is where I let Larry
King take over my body for a few minutes.
weekend yet again in the editing room. Starting to show it to select people for
Bowfinger disappointed me only in that it didnt quite live up to the
hype. But there is much to recommend it, especially that toe-sucker Eddie Murphy.
Its his best work in eons
Gum is making a big comeback in my
Sometimes I worry that one of my relatives will stumble across this journal, but
then I remember none of them can read
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