who dat? contest:
pee / opportunity / phenlketonurics
On the table was the subject of the trough. (Ladies, instead of separate urinals, some places, certain bars and most ballparks, have what looks like a long, shallow bathtub into which everyone pees.) I dont mind the trough. Its certainly not my favorite that would be peeing outside in the woods (only if said woods are proven to be Blair Witch-free, that is) but I can deal. Frank hates the trough. He cant use it. What bothers him is the notion of his pee mixing in with all that other pee. That, and the splash factor. I can live without the splash factor myself. The trough also allows for the Peripheral Penis Peer easier than any other pee apparatus. I dont much like the Peripheral Penis Peer. And its not so much that Im afraid of other men looking at my penis, its trying to avoid catching a glimpse of other penises myself, and then also trying not to look like youre trying very hard not to look at other penises. Its the "thou dost protest too much" problem functioning as a reaction to the "dont think of pink elephants" problem. Its a mystery wrapped inside a puzzle inside an enigma, I tell you!
While were on the pee subject, I can do without the choosers. These are the guys who: 8 urinals. Youre the only one using. Some guy comes in. Which urinal does he choose? The one right next to you. Hate that. Are they gay, lonely, territorial, or do they just really like male bonding?
My biggest pet peeve (get it: PEEve) are the Groaners. Oh man, do I hate these guys. These, as the name suggests, are the guys who stand at the urinal and groan in relief. I just dont like to be that close to a groaning man who has his penis out.
Guys who do not wash their hands are perhaps worse still. Folks, do you realize that any man you might, lets say shake hands with, might have, and without washing said hand, just recently been holding his penis?
Isnt that nasty?
my day is becoming very strange. Why? Because all of a sudden my script is in demand. Demand may be a strong word, but as of 4pm Ive gotten calls from 8 real live production companies wanting to read it. Now Ive been in town long enough to know that not only does nobody know anything (!), but also nothing means anything; not until the check has cleared, that is. Regardless, Im a little floored at the moment. I shall soon recover.
I was drinking a Barqs Diet Rootbeer and found this printed on the back.
PHENLKETONURICS: CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE
What I find strange is not the fact that my soda contains something called Phenylalanine, but the way it is worded. With the colon. Which indicates that under the category of Phenlketonurics, we could have had any variety of said chemical family that if youre drinking a diet soda, were sure youll find a helpful and willing representative from the Phenlketonurics family.
Stranger yet is when you find this on a candy bar, for instance:
MAY CONTAIN ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING
What the fuck is that? May contain. You dont know!?
In my food, at the very least I expect ingredient certainty. With Diet Barqs at least you know what crap is in it.
This is where I let Larry
King take over my body for a few minutes.
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