Wherein guest diarist Bill Pullman writes an open
letter to Pamie
Bill Pullman here. The other night I was cleaning my massive Hollywood mansion and I reached under the Chippendale armoire (circa 1841) to find a huge residual check for the video release of Zero Effect (1998) which I vaguely remembered casually dropping under there a few weeks earlier during an important phone call to my agent Dick Yorn at ICM. Anyway, when I reached under the armoire, instead of finding said huge check, my well-shaped hand touched something cold, wet, and soft sort of like Marlon Brando swimming off his private island (a joke Pamela - Marl and I are great friends). I didnt investigate the substance further; I could only describe it as "squishy". So, in efforts to discover what unknown mass was fouling my Persian cat Martys crawlspace, I did a Web Search for the word "Squishy", and I came upon your little "site".
Being mostly unfamiliar with the Web, due to the fact that Im usually on set getting paid to act, I was a bit curious. I read a few entries and I have to say, I laughed. Me. I laughed. And as I laughed I tilted my head a little to the side like I do and my eyes creased in that adorable way they do. You know the way I charmed the pants off Sandy in Sleeping. Well, you might not know this about me Pamela, but I like to throw you "starving actors" a bone every once in a while, so I decided, just like that, to get you hired for a nice supporting part in my next film (its a secret right now, so, shhhhhhh ). And as I was dialing the very famous director (rhymes with Squeelberg), I came across an entry disparaging me. Me! Mr. Loveable! Mr. Everyman! Mr. Bill (Lake Placid See I Dont Take Myself Too Seriously But Can Still Be Effective In Creepy Pieces Like Lost Highway Even Though It Didnt Make Any Money And Was Totally Incomprehensible) Pullman!
"Stupid Bill Pullman," you say. Oh yeah? Well, stupid Pamela!
Do you even comprehend the breadth and scope of my talent, Pamela? Comedy? Yup. How bout Ruthless People? Sibling Rivalry? Spaceballs? Drama, you say? Oh sure. The End of Violence, anyone? Yeah, thats right. I worked with Wim Wenders. Uh-huh. I bet you cant even pronounce Wim Wenders. Or how about a little film called Independence Day, you might have heard of it. I'm talking Casper, baby! Im so damn good, this is how good I am: when I kissed Ellen DeGeneres in Mr. Wrong I got an erection. Thats how good I am, honey. Sure, all my scenes were deleted from The Thin Red Line, but you didnt even have any scenes to be deleted in the first place! I may be on the cutting room floor, but youre on the um er the floor of some stupid day job where you have to work because youre poor, so there. And dont forget Arachnophobia (oh, wait, that was Jeff Daniels, wasnt it I get us mixed up sometimes too. Probably because Im "stupid!")
Well, Pamela. You see, though I am a very rich man and have it all, I do not like to be made fun of. And I really am sorry that you didnt like Zero Effect. Perhaps it was a bit over your head. Maybe we should have added some skits about pedophilic priests. Now thats comedy!
Maybe Ill check out your little show next time Im in Austin. Oh yeah, thats right, I never go to Austin because Austin is boring!
I really must go now. I have a meeting at DreamWorks, then rehearsal for an episode of Oz Im directing, and then later Im doing Leno. (The show, not the man. See, Pullman can be funny too. Pullman = Funny.)
Take care sister. You just keep right on talking shit.
Way more famous than you,
PS: Oh, but even though Eddie Vedder and I are quite good friends and do cocktails at SkyBar whenever hes in town, I have to admit, he does sound a bit like Goatboy.
This is where I let Larry King take over my body for a few minutes.
How long does Ricky Martin have left? Seriously, I'm taking guesses here. I say 8 months, tops...Have you seen the opening of 48 Hours? They do this Spike Lee tracking shot where poor Dan Rather is strapped to some mechanism in front of the camera and they drive him around as he's doing his opening intro. I swear tonight they came within 6 inches of ramming his head into a tree limb...Nutter Butters: tasty AND peanut shaped...with the Pullman's permission, Pamie posted his letter on her site. The Pullman hates no one...