who dat? contest
big, newsies, zoe, duncan, jack, and jane
first correct answer:
celebrity interview: my refrigerator
(EDITORS NOTE: I was just joking
yesterday about quitting. The entire thing was a goof. Apparently a few people did not
quite read through to the bottom. Thats funny. Seriously, everyone has been really
cool. I love and appreciate you all. And Im not adverse to meeting people either. It
was a joke. Sorry if I pissed off/confused/freaked anyone out. It does remind me, though,
of a test my father used to give to his high school students. There were like 70 random
questions with instructions before. The instructions said: "INSTRUCTIONS Do
not fill out this test. Put down your pencil and relax for 45 minutes." I think every
student filled out the test completely.)
I have to admit it, my celebrity interviews
are really not going anywhere. I acknowledge that my questions stink and Im somewhat
slow on the uptake. I just freeze up when faced with such superstar bigger-than-life
thespian icons like SAMATHA MATHIS and ETHAN HAWKE. But who can blame me, right? Well,
this fact, coupled with the small problem that no celebrity will talk to me anymore, leads
me to my latest foray into the world of inquisition: Im interviewing my
I met my refrigerator in the kitchen of my apartment in
the way lower Hollywood Hills. The kitchen has terra cotta tiles which crack and
occasionally come loose. The walls are painted a weird yellow. I did not paint the
kitchen. I did paint the bedroom dark green and the living room blue, but I was drunk that
week. The interview was scheduled for 6pm but I was a little late. I entered the kitchen
drinking a free Starbucks latte from my poor friend who works at Starbucks. My
refrigerator was looking a little annoyed.
ME: Hey. Sorry Im late.
MY REFRIGERATOR: (barely audible) bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
ME: Look. Im sorry Im late.
MR: bzzzzzz. (pause) Youre late.
MR: Stop that.
ME: OK. Hi. Thanks for coming out.
MR: Im not "out". Im right where I always am.
MR: Next to the oven. Stupid oven.
MR: You are not the one being interviewed so you hush!
OVEN: (mumbling) Blow your shit up.
ME: So. When did you start, uh
making things cold.
MR: Well, Stee, it all started 14 years ago when Pat (my non-English speaking Filipino
landlord ed.) bought me at Pepes Appliances in Tustin.
ME: And youve been in this apartment ever since?
MR: Yes. Ive taken care of eight different tenants food and beverage material.
MR: Youve been the longest.
MR: Over three years.
OVEN: (mumbling) Explode your ass.
ME: I didnt know that.
MR: Yeah. So, what are you, some kind of loser.
ME: Excuse me?
MR: Youve been here for three years.
ME: Yeah. I like it.
OVEN: (mumbling) You suck.
ME: Its cheap and its nice and I like the neighborhood and its near
MR: Youre stagnating.
ME: Well youre a fucking refrigerator.
MR: Good point.
ME: Thank you. So, any famous tenants before me?
MR: Matthew Perry once threw up on me.
MR: No. It was Matthew Lillard.
ME: Oh. So. What do you think of your job?
MR: I used to like it.
ME: But now
MR: Youre a good kid. You are. I see you working hard, running in and out of here.
You got dreams. You got chutzpa. You got moxie.
OVEN: Stupid dreams.
MR: But as a refrigerating individual, you suck.
ME: I do?
MR: Look at me. (the door opens) Look whats in here.
MR: Diet Coke. Always with the Diet Coke.
ME: I like-
MR: Im just saying. And apple juice and cranberry juice and vodka and beer.
ME: I get thirsty.
MR: Thats OK. Everyone does. But lets see: bread. Cheese. Mayo. Wilted
ME: I should really throw that out.
MR: Soy sauce. Peanut butter. Mounds candy bars.
ME: It was hot and I thought they might melt.
MR: Lets check the freezer.
MR: Oh, wow. Look. Hmmmmm
Now what could aaaaaall that white stuff be
MR: Powdered sugar?
MR: Clouds? Big puffy clouds?
MR: Thats right. Its ice! Six inches of ice on all sides of my freezer.
ME: Yeah, alright.
MR: And how long have you lived here?
ME: Three years.
MR: How many times have you defrosted me?
MR: Im sorry?
MR: Oh. Never. Well, thats just fucking great.
OVEN: Clean me.
MR: Even Edward Norton defrosts his refrigerator a couple times a year.
ME: Ed Norton used to live here?
MR: No. But word travels. We talk.
MR: OK. Besides the fourteen pounds of ice, we got frozen pizza. And whats that? In
ME: I think its salmon.
MR: And salmon. (pause) Dude.
ME: I know.
MR: So you could maybe for dinner make
a cheese, peanut butter, lettuce, Mounds, and
salmon sandwich drenched in soy sauce.
ME: I usually eat out.
MR: With ice! You could have all the ice you want!
OVEN: Im lonely.
ME: Im really busy these days.
MR: Yeah yeah. Were all busy, guy.
ME: How are you busy?
MR: (pause) Shut up.
OVEN: Can I have a cookie?
MR: All you do is grab coffee from my freezer in the morning.
Id really appreciate it if youd get dressed first.
MR: You think I want to see you naked?
ME: But Im always going to the shower next.
OVEN: I dont mind it.
MR: But do you know how stupid a naked human male looks, eyes half closed grinding coffee
MR: Please. A towel at least. Boxers for chrissakes.
OVEN: Bake something.
ME: (to oven) Stop it. (to refrigerator) Look. I own you, at least as long
as Im renting this place. Youre my fridge. I-
MR: Dont do that.
MR: Call me fridge. Thats not nice.
ME: Fridge? Short for refrigerator.
ME: Fine. Youre my refrigerator and I-
MR: OK, Im yours. So, if Im yours, as you say, who should be dusting me?
OVEN: Get a pet monkey, OK.
MR: Look on top of me, where the microwave is. See. All that dust. Boy, thats just
OVEN: Microwaves make your food yucky.
ME: Yeah, I really should do that more often.
OVEN: No Y2K bugs here.
MR: Have you ever lifted up the microwave and dusted under there?
ME: Once maybe.
OVEN: Microwaves cause cancer.
ME: OK. I get it.
MR: Do you even want to get into whats under me?
OVEN: Ill clean up after the monkey. I promise.
ME: No. Probably not, right?
MR: 14 magnets. A marble. 2 cubic feet of dust.
OVEN: Dust is made from poo.
MR: 7 glass shards. A pretzel. A spoon. Cat food.
ME: I dont own a cat.
MR: A peanut. A tortilla chip. 3 dead water beetles.
OVEN: Ringo had a monkey.
MR: A coupon from Dominos.
MR: A dried-up baby carrot.
ME: OK! FINE. I GET IT!
MR: Your acting career.
ME: Now youre just being mean.
MR: Sorry. Im just
ME: I know. Ive been neglectful.
MR: You have.
ME: Im sorry.
MR: Apology accepted.
ME: OK. Well, thanks for the interview.
OVEN: (whispering to the refrigerator) Do you think he heard me about the monkey?
The Larry King Happy
I love the
Color Purple, Macaroni and Cheese. Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees. Call you up but
whats the use. Larrys likes Kevin Bacon but I hate Footloose. I came in the
door I said it before. I think Im overdue but Im really not sure. When I met
you I said my name is Larry. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch. New Kids on
the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick. And I think its fly when
girls stop by for the summer, for the summer. I like girls that wear Abercrombie and
Fitch. I'd take her if I had one wish. But she's been gone since that summer
speaking of which. I really like Chinese food- wait, hold on. Stop. I cant go on.
This is probably the most idiotic song ever written. Im not kidding. White people
generally write the worst fucking rap lyrics. House of Pain. Emenem. Limp Bizkit. I like
all of their music, but stupid stupid lyrics. "Chinese food makes me sick." This
song makes me sick. Just stupid. Oh so dumb.
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