who dat? contest

hint: think current events. think the art world.



"i know!"


previous results:



tennessee williams

the kindness of strangers couldn't help him on this one. you guys...

i am lazy


Mike has so graciously offered us another survey to steal. Cool.

1. Would you take the fall for a crime committed by a sibling or parent?
   

Well, the worst crime my mom would ever conceivably commit would be speeding, but only if she was rushing home to watch a Masterpiece Theatre marathon. So, no. In that case she’d have to lie in her own Anglophilic bed.

2. What's your favorite picnic food?
   

Beer.

3. What television show did you like that got canceled way too soon?
   

Three-way tie: Manimal / Zoom / Booker (Richard Grieco is foxy.)

4. Ever get caught picking your nose?
   

It wasn’t a pick! It was a scratch!

5. By which school picture are you most embarrassed?
   

My girlfriend’s 7^th grade photo. The midwestern hair. Holy cow.

6. What was your first computer?
   

Speak and Spell. Actually a TSR80 followed by a Mac Classic (which I shamefully used until early this year).

7. What are you completely and irrationally stubborn about?
   

With said girlfriend: nothing. I’m a push-over. I then just take it out on the rest of the world.

8. You're offered the political appointment of your choosing. What job do you take?
   

Drug Czar!!! How cool would that be.

9. How would you like to die?
   

85 years old, lucid, and smiling.

10. You get to plan your own funeral. Who speaks? Who sings? How do you get sent off?
    

I can’t really conceive of my own funeral. I just know I’d like there to be a lot of sexy weeping women there. In black. That would be cool. Ooh, and I’d like Pearl Jam to play. Eddie Vedder kicks ass. They could play "Alive". Get it?! And then a good send off… ooh, you could cremate me, and then lay out a few lines of me in front of Andy Dick some night at SkyBar, and tell him it’s "really good shit".

11. You and a date finish an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant and discover the waiter has charged you for only one lobster. Do you a) point out the mistake. b) keep quiet and leave a huge tip. c) quickly pay the tab and leave.
    

d) Tell my date that mine was the free lobster, and make her pay the bill.

12. To whom are you most likely to lend money? a relative, a friend, a business partner, or the author of this survey.
    

You Mike. But it would be like a $3.00 loan at 10,000,000,000,000% APR.

13. Ever changed your website just so you could join a ring?
    

Naw. Smart & Lazy and I Love Masturbation actually sought me out. (Oh man, I am KILLING!)

14. Ever written on a special topic, just so you could qualify for a web award?
    

Not unless they hand out awards for "most bitter, complaining, and hypocritically obsessed with the self-same culture he’s constantly bitter and complaining about."

15. Ever submitted your own site for a web award?
    

I wouldn’t know where to go. Seriously. I am dumb.

16. Ever offered a web award of your own conception?
    

Not until now. I am hereby pleased to announce the founding of the Annual "Best Entry Solely Devoted to Praising Stee’s Plaintive Wail" Award. C’mon, kids. Submissions welcome.

17. What's your favorite flavor of toaster pastry?
    

Despite a huge sweet tooth, sugar cereals and Pop Tarts were never my thing. I think it’s like my craving for alcohol, it doesn’t really wake up until around 12:30pm.

18. Ever paid one credit card with another one?
    

No. But my girlfriend, when she finds herself in a spending frenzy, puts her credit card in a container of water and sticks it in the freezer. I’m not kidding.

19. Ever been hoopsnaked by a home equity loan ad?
    

No, but I was once squarefrogged by the Sears Catalog. (Alright, I’ll shut up…)

20. To what magazines do you currently subscribe?
    

The quickly-turning-to-crap Premiere and the New Yorker. I just wish the New Yorker would stop for a couple months. Just all drive off to the Hamptons for a while and let me catch up. I’m like 4 issues behind. Every day it seems I go out to the mailbox and there’s another. Weeklies, man. Stay away from those things.

21. What's your guilty pleasure?
    

Probably having a web journal. Seriously. No one in my life knows about it. Deception rules!

22. What do you do that you do not enjoy simply for appearance sake?
    

Occasionally I dress nicely. I would rather come to work in ripped jeans and a dirty flannel. Or these doctor scrubs I have. Comfy and I look like Clooney in ‘em. Well, not exactly. Shaving. I hate shaving. And wearing the false ear. I’d rather just go one-eared like God intended. I actually do have a friend with a fake pinky. She lost it at college falling off her bunk-bed. I’m not kidding. She’s awaiting a huge settlement. You know, I should really call her…

23. Have you ever taken out a singles ad?
    

No. My sister took out a joke one in the Madison paper and won a vibrator. Kind of a sad gift, don’t you think?

24. Have you ever lied in a singles ad?

No. But my sister did. It was all made up. And then she said, "…and you must have a puppy". And all these guys called up, claiming they’d run out and gotten puppies just to meet this fabulous chick in the ad.

25. When was the last time you bounced a check?

Never.

26. Have you ever camped out for concert tickets? If so, for which concert?

Never. But I did come early to see Air Supply in a free concert at the local race track. And they were filling in for Hall & Oates. Of course we were drunk and made fun of Graham the whole time. He signed my shirt though, so it was all worth it.

27. What's the most embarrassing name ever given to you by a significant other?

Stee.

28. Ever played truth or dare in an effort to get into someone's pants?

Wait, is there another reason to play?

29. Did you have sex in high school?

Naw, we tried but the building was always locked. (Yes.)

30. What's your favorite drinking game?

Goddamn I Hate My Job I’m So Glad I’m Home I Wonder If Donny & Marie Is Still On! Y’all should try it, it’s a hoot.

Alright. My margins are fucked and I'm babysitting my girlfriend's cat and she's running around going nuts and I'm tired. I might finish tomorrow. Love to you all, and thanks Mike.

By the way, I don't think I've yet mentioned how much I love my 12th Night cast. They've been working together for over 6 years and are so open and supportive and welcoming. And, my god, talented. I'm a happy actor right now.

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

Larry is watching E!'s Wild on the Rivera.

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