who dat? contest.

(yo stee. i know
who dat?)

last game:

recently deceased english pop star fucker
paula yates

first correct answer:


celebrity interview: my couch

My new couch is being delivered today. And as I wait for them to bring it, I decide it might be a good time to dust off my interview technique and talk to my old couch while I still have the chance. My couch is an old light brownish thing with wood trim that I got at the St. Vincent DePaul thrift store near downtown four years ago; I also got some of my other furniture there. That couch has seen me through a lot. The least I can do is talk to it one last time.

STEE: Um, hi. Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.


STEE: What?

COUCH: Si. No problem, amigo. 'S'alright.

STEE: Well. You've been here a long time, eh?

COUCH: Si. Long time here. Little blue apartment, yes? Stupid color for walls.

STEE: Oh. I kind of like it.

COUCH: I know. Why are you not at work, mister Stee?

STEE: Well, I'm waiting for some guys to deliver a new couch.

COUCH: (pause) For where?

STEE: For here. A new couch.

COUCH: What color couch?

STEE: Um. Blue.


STEE: Yes. Blue also.

COUCH: You put over there?

STEE: Um, no.

COUCH: Where you put it?

STEE: Here.

COUCH: No. I am here. This is my space.

STEE: Yeah, that's the thing.

COUCH: Where I going to be? Over there.

STEE: No. Actually... on the curb.

COUCH: What's "curb?"

STEE: Outside. Out there.

COUCH: Oh. You sit outside. Drink beer and watch cars. OK. You say so.

STEE: Um, no. I'm getting a new couch and putting you outside for someone else to take you away.

COUCH: (pause) Why you do that?

STEE: It's time, you know. I mean, I've had you for a while now.

COUCH: Yes. Long time loyal good couch. Sit and eat and sleep and kiss and sit and lie down and talk on phone on me. Why getting new couch then?

STEE: Well. I just think it's time to move on.

COUCH: I see. (pause) Is this because I poke your friend on butt?

STEE: What. Oh, when your spring poked my friend. No. Nothing like that.

COUCH: Is this because I steal pocket change of you? I give back, OK?

STEE: No. No. I-

COUCH: Because I smell funny? Is your fault. You smoke and drop food and stupid cat stink on me. Just clean me and-

STEE: No. I just want a new couch and so I bought one. I'm getting one. I'm sorry.

COUCH: (pause) I was good to you.

STEE: I know. Thank you.

COUCH: So... that's how it go.

STEE: I guess. I'm sorry.

COUCH: You know, I never like you.

STEE: Don't get mean.

COUCH: No. You know, you always run around, throw things on me. I don't mind. You watch TV and sit and eat food and never say hi. Never thank you. You spill candle wax and ashes and beer and I don't complain. You clean me? No. You have new friends all time to sit on me? No. You pretty me with festive little bows and ribbons? No.

STEE: What?

COUCH: Oh... nothing. I just don't like you. You are a bad bad man.

STEE: Look, you'll probably go to a house that needs you very much. You'll get lots of attention and there will be parties and fun new people and new things to see.


STEE: Friendly dogs will curl up on you and children will play and take their first steps holding onto you.


STEE: People will take photos on you and unwrap gifts on Christmas sitting on you. Maybe there will be a fireplace in the winter and they'll have air conditioning for the summer.

COUCH: I do not care.

STEE: Maybe your new owner will actually have a girlfriend and she'll get naked and do dirty things on you.

COUCH: (pause) So, when do these moving people come?

STEE: So you're not mad anymore.

COUCH: What? You still here? Take me to this curb you speak of now, stupid blue wall boy. Hurry!

STEE: OK. Thanks for talking with me today, and for the years of great couching.

COUCH: Si. Goodbye friends.

DESK CHAIR: Goodbye! Say hi to the naked girl for us.

COUCH: I will.

TV TABLE: Bye! I'll miss you.

COUCH: Me too, amigo.

COFFEE TABLE: Don't leave!

COUCH: I have to. It is time. Be well, by darling coffee table. Do not let Stee wipe boogers on you.

STEE: I don't wipe-

COUCH: This is my time!

STEE: Fine. But I've never-

COUCH: And make sure he use coaster. I won't be here to make sure anymore.

COFFEE TABLE: OK. I'll miss you.

COUCH: No tear. Goodbye.

STEE: Ready?

COUCH: Si. Oh, and boy. I'm keeping your change.

STEE: That's only fair.

So I said goodbye to my faithful couch. As I write it sits out on the curb, waiting for that family to come take him away. My new huge dark blue plush couch is already here. So far she won't speak to me. Well, we have nothing but time.

The Forum

it'll be alright

The Anna Nicole Smith Happy Song Corner

Anna is out seeing Shaft at the discount movie theatre.
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