who dat? contest:

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"i know!"

previous results:

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novelist roddy doyle

first correct answer:

that's ok, it was quite hard

survey says

There’s this survey that many journalers seem to use to let people get to know them – I don’t know who wrote it, someone very cool, I’m sure. It’s interesting, asking all sorts of neat questions. For an example, you can check out ms. e’s answers.

Well, instead of telling you the trials of my dental crown appointment yesterday, I’ve decided to make up my own survey. (All right, I’ll tell you a bit: I’m a big guy – not fat, just tall – and have always needed a lot of Novocain for the area to be completely numb. Well, naturally after 10 minutes of waiting for the area to be numbed, it wasn’t. I told Sir Hurt-A-Lot this and he says, big-ass drill in hand, "Well, let’s just see if it hurts." So he drills and it hurts. A lot. But I’m a tough guy so I sweat it out. Literally. Through that horrible burning smell like concrete on fire. Like molten bricks. Eventually he stops and says, "That’s really hurting you, isn’t it?" "Yeffffffth," drool I. Sweating. So I get another shot and it still hurts a little but it’s bearable. But now I’m filled with so much Novocain that the entire right side of my face has absolutely no feeling in it. And I have to go straight to Twelfth Night rehearsal. So we’re reading and I sound so much like Kirk Douglas eveyone’s laughing at me. "My sthons are pwoud of deir ohhd maan." And… I have to go back in 2 weeks to "finish". Plus, no lollypop. Can you believe that shit?)

Onward with the survey:

  1. Would you rather look gorgeous and be retarded, or look retarded and be a genius?
  2. If you could bitchslap one actor/actress, who would it be?
  3. If you could bitchslap one musician, who would it be?
  4. If you could bitchslap one relative, who would it be?
  5. If you had to make-out with one relative, who would it be?
  6. You see a spider on your wall, what do you do?
  7. Washing your privates in the shower: the lean or the fast hand-o’-water transfer?
  8. David Blaine or David Copperfield?
  9. You need to do laundry desperately, do you wear dirty underwear or no underwear?
  10. Julia Roberts: growing more and more beautiful, or more and more odd-looking?
  11. Favorite cussword / phrase?
  12. Letterman or Leno?
  13. Scientologists: quietly creepy or totally wacko?
  14. Siegfried or Roy?
  15. What do you desire sexually that you’re too embarrassed to ever request?
  16. Maria Conchita Alonso or Rae Dawn Chong?
  17. Gayest cartoon character: Mickey Mouse or Christopher Robin?
  18. You’re depressed: do you drink, cover your pain with humor, or take it out on the person closest to you?
  19. Favorite Sutherland: Kiefer or Donald?
  20. Favorite Corey: Haim, Feldman, or Hart?
  21. Mary-Kate or Ashley?
  22. Do you spend a lot of time surfing the Net because you’re scared of people, or because people are scared of you?
  23. What do you sing instead of "pompatus of love" in Steve Miller’s "The Joker"?
  24. Best bets in a "death pool" (pick 3): Andy Dick, Robert Downey Jr., Nell Carter, ex-Pogue Shane McGowan, Ronald Reagan, rock group Hanson, Salman Rushdie, Bob Hope, John Popper, Scott Weiland, Mr. T, golfer John Daly, or that girl from Blossom?
  25. It’s 4pm, your husband calls from work to say he’s bringing his boss over for dinner! What do you prepare?
  26. Is a dart board really such a bad wedding gift?
  27. Your ass or your elbow?
  28. Favorite Wu-Tang Clansman?
  29. Will Billy Idol ever make a successful comeback?
  30. Let’s just say you’re walking home drunk very late from a bar in Madison Wisconsin last week and you see a hundred dollar bill on the ground so you pick it up. A minute later, a very anxious-looking hippie comes by, searching all over the street for something, muttering about "not being able to pay rent". Are you like totally going to hell if you kept the money, planning to spend it at a titty bar in Vegas this weekend?

And just because this shit is so funny, here’s a little piece from the recent Onion:

Hamburglar Urges Senate Subcommittee To 'Robble Robble Robble'
WASHINGTON, DC--Denouncing a prison system he described as "robble," hamburger advocate and convicted felon Hamburglar addressed the Senate Subcommittee on Penal Reform Monday, demanding more humane conditions for the nation's inmates. "Robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble robble," an emotional Hamburglar told the 12-member committee. "Robble robble robble robble robble. Robble robble robble robble robble robble: Robble robble." Reaction to the speech was mixed. "Certainly there is room for improvement in our penal system," U.S. Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH) said. "But I would hardly call the current situation 'robble.'"

The Larry King Happy Song Corner

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Oh, I’ve seen Larry and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that I’d see Larry again… speaking of rain. Have you ever sat on your stoop in Brooklyn with your best gal Ruthie Finkelstein sharing a chocolate egg cream on a muggy August night during a rainstorm? Then you haven’t lived, bub.

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