who dat? contest:
a good fuck
I love to swear. And not only because I probably still get the subconscious thrill of "being bad", but because I love language and the rhythms of language, and swear words are the spice and seasonings of speech. Verbal relish.
There are so many creative ways to swear, but they all pretty much boil down to the basics:
Fuck. The King, the Queen, the Chairman of the Board, the Pit Boss, the CEO, the Pope, the Greg Brady, the Grand Poobah of swear words. Fuck is multifaceted (as pointed out by Carlin?, it can be used as almost any form of speech). Fuck is also onomatopoetic. You start off with that "ffffff" that you can just drag out like a good wind up, and then close with the penetrating hard consonant of the "kkkk". You can even drag out the "u" sound, turning it into a diphthong. Fuck, like any swear word, can pepper writing so well too, but like any spice, can be severely overused:
Take the scene outside the bowling alley in Chasing Amy. Screech-owl Joey Lauren Adams yells at Affleck about his being afraid of her past sexual history by basically yelling, "fuck" a lot. "Who I fuck and who I dont fuck is my fucking business!!! I fucking love fucking you and you fucking dont fucking trust me!!! Fuck!!! ". (Honestly, the writing in that scene combined with her voice almost made me walk out it was just so hard to listen to.) Fucks, well chosen and used sparingly, can spruce up a dull fucking paragraph like a sonofabitch.
(Incidentally, there is something about hearing a partner
say, "Fuck me"
Thats another good use.)
Shit. Shit is good. Shit feels good on the tongue (yeah, ha ha, you). Shit is explosive and emotionally clear. But shit is a little bit lazy, I think. Shit is limited doesnt have the same breadth and scope of Fuck. Shit is, well, a bit messy.
I do like using, "
and shit", though.
Thats a good usage. "Look at you, all gussied up and shit." Its a
comic bullet, like a well placed rubber chicken. And shit.
To complain: "Damn son, I help you with your homework and youre all bitching at me, and shit."
Good or "dope": "Hey dude, your tribal arm tattoo is bitchin!"
To demean: "Yeah. I just stepped on your new suede Pumas! What choo gonna do about it, bitch!"
Now the word obviously has a deep sexist core, but
honestly, when I use the word, and I use it a lot, its almost always referring to
men. Its more demeaning that way, to call a guy a bitch, even though with me
its usually friendly, "What up, bitch?". Rarely would I use it on a woman,
as in, "Hey bitch, wheres dinner?" or "Yeah. Thats right.
Uh-huh. You my bitch now." or "Listen bitch, dont make fun of me just
because my clothes are all wrinkled. I know I have an audition and should probably try to
look presentable but its for Gieco Insurance for chrissakes and I just know
theyre going to make me do something stupid its just way too depressing
I need a smoke. Oh, and did you tape Real World for me last night? No? Aw, man. That
sucks." You know, that kind of thing.
Dick/Cock. Good words. Dick is best when combined with other body parts. Go nuts! Be creative! Dickface. Dickhead. Dickshoulder. Dickspleen. See?! And of course theres the good old fashioned, "Suck My Dick." I think its especially effective when women say it because then not only does it pack its own inherent punch, but usually also leaves the person confused for a minute. A nice Cocksucker every once in a while isn't bad either.
I like Cock (yeah yeah
). Cock is especially
comically effective. As in this bit from an Onion
list of Job Interview Hints: "Dont sell yourself short by being too embarrassed
to list all your best assests if youve got a nice cock, youve got a
nice cock." See, on the floor.
Bastard. Wimpy. Awful. I cringe
whenever I see a scene on TV and the woman says, "You bastard!" Oh just shut up
Pussy. Now pussy is a lot like bitch, except for the natural difference when you call a person one. Bitch = mean. Pussy = coward. Pussy is especially effective on men. Try it next time you want yours to take you shopping or do some chores around the house.
"Would you mow the lawn, please."
Pussy is also good for kinky sex talk. Pretty much all of
these words are. Well, not shit. Ew. Then again, if youre Sylvester Stallone or Jeff
Goldblum, then maybe
Piss. Naw. Pissed as in angry is
OK, but only English people say, "Piss off". Yeah, that sucks. Just like
Bollocks. No bite. Those limeys.
Cunt. I wont touch cunt with a 10 foot pole (Im sorry, I cant stop). Cunt is just such a hot-button word for women, it seems, and I dont know exactly why. Calling someone a cunt is when you are really 100% sure you hate them with all your being and never want to ever have them look at you again.
I had a fight with a producer once who wanted me to take a lone "cunt" out of my play, and it was said to a male character. I eventually did take it out and replace it with another word, and subsequently learned an important lesson:
Twat is much funnier than cunt.
Words to live by.
Finallyfeel sorry for me because in an hour I have to drive to the dentist and have my temporary crown removed and my real crown put on. Fuck, Im such a pussy. Piss off.
The Larry King Happy
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