The Adventures of NewlywedsSuperFan69:)
With the last episode of Newlyweds aired, people have been asking me to reprint my recap Homepage teasers, which chronicled a fan of the show's relationship with her abusive-y boyfriend Jeremy, and her love of the show, while providing a minirecap of each episode.
(Naturally, these are all from Television Without Pity, where they first appeared. They are reprinted by permission.)
EPISODE ONE:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was soooooo funny. It's, like, their anniversary, right? But Jessica's awesome manager/dad guy scheduled a performance for Jessica in Atlantic City on the day before. Bummer! So they go to stay at this awesome hotel with that guy from that NBC show with the weird hair on every bottle of water. Like, maybe he owns the hotel or something. Or the bottles of water. Anyway, Jessica performs, and she does "Sweetest Sin," the song about doing it (sex! ;)) and then they go downstairs and gamble and then there are all these old people gathered and they're all so cute but Jessica, god, she's soooo funny, she keeps talking about how this doesn't look like Veags. And get this! She doesn't know what a bratwurst is. Smirk. Grin. ROTFLMAO. But then Nick is soooo sweet, you guys. Nick takes her to New York City to a big fancy hotel and he has rose pedals spread all over the room and even on the bed. Someone's really hoping to get lucky tonight. Squee! Anyway, they go to a fancy dinner and a horse and carriage ride and everything. They are so lucky. And so funny. Someone owes me a new keyboard, and N & J, I'm looking in your direction. :)
EPISODE TWO:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was soooooo hysterical. So, like, Jessica has 2 go 2 New York 2 do appearances on super-cool radio stations like Z100 and that other one. G-d, she's so friggin' funny in person! Makes me wish I was a DJ, or, like, an intern, even. Then, because Jessica is such a kewl bean, she goes and does a show 4 her old high school somewhere called "Dallas." She's so flippin' awesome. Meanwhile, get this! Nick and hot brother Drew are left home alone, and I swear 2 G-d, they're so lonely, they just stand around the garage doing nothing! 4ever! Ha. And then she comes back and organizes a birthday party 4 Nick, who is depressed that he's turning 30! (I would be 2, that is old.) (I'd still do him ha ;). Anyway, Jessica takes Nick 2 a strip club with hot strippers. I love strippers. Jeremy told me he'd take me some day when I get a fake ID. Jeremy wants me 2 make out with a girl. I think I'd have 2 be pretty drunk, but I don't like the taste of beer. Girls are hot, though. So Jessica surprises Nick by jumping out of a cake. She looked so hot, I'd do her. (Calm down, Jeremy. Grin. :p) Then she caps off the awesome night by giving him an awesome diamond watch worth $55,000! Holy moly! It's so awesome, though. Totally blinged out. They are just the best couple. *SIGH* I wish Jeremy would buy me something. :(
EPISODE THREE:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode kicked so much ass. So, Jessica goes shopping with her mother, right? They so have the coolest relationship, you guys. They can talk about anything. They even discuss something dirty in the middle of a store. (It has 2 do with sucking balls. Grin! Squeal!!!!!! ;p TMI, Miss Simpson! (After the episode, Jeremy IM'd me asking why I never did that. He's such a perv. Oh my god, the other day after he accidentally dug his fingernails into my arm 2 hard, he burned me a whole CD of Linkin Park B-sides! 2 kewl. *SIGH*) Nick and hottie brother Drew rent a bulldozer thingie b/c they have brand new videogames 2 lift up 2 the second floor. Like, real videogames like our parents used 2 play! So retro. Anyway, Jessica and her Mom spend like a million dollars at the store! Jessica gets in trouble when she brings home sheets that cost 1400 dollars! I thought Nick was about 2 hit her. He got that look on his face like Jeremy does when I don't like one of the songs he plays me on his guitar. He scares me sometimes :( Okay, you guys. I'm crying now. I'll… I'll see you next week.
EPISODE FOUR:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was the bomb! I was really lucky cuz Jeremy got off work (he's a sandwich artist!) so he could come watch the show with me this week, since he knows it's my favorite. :) We didn't really watch much, though, because he was in a bad mood and we got into a fight about my ex-boyfriend who really wasn't my boyfriend but it still makes Jeremy mad. He can be such a grouch. :( What I did see of the show was super great!!! :p LOL. There was something about a VH1 sketch the cutest couple in the world filmed. But then Jeremy broke my Good Charlotte CD because he knows I think one of the guys is cute, so I missed that part. But then Nick got 2 go B in a parade somewhere. But that was when Jeremy told me I looked fat, so I sort of missed that part because I was crying. :( But then he apologized sooooo
sweetly, you guys! And he let me watch the end where Nick and Jessica went 2 some place 4 Thanksgiving with Jessica's super-cute family. Then Jeremy surprised me with some cookies he got from work. That was the best nite eva!
EPISODE FIVE:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was the dick! That's was Jeremy and his friend have been saying, that when something's kewl it's the dick. He won't tell me where it comes from -- every time I ask, he and his friends at work laugh. But that's OK. Couples are supposed 2 live separate lives. Like Nick and Jessica, 2 cuties! Jessica totally tries 2 pick a song 2 sing and she doesn't know all these old musicians they keep mentioning, like she should. I didn't know any of them either, Jessica. Don’t feel bad. :) I went 2 Subway 2 visit Jeremy and 2 tell him about how Nick and Jessica go on tour together, and how they have funny little conversations backstage and in their hotel, and how their relationship "is the dick," and his friends all laughed, but it felt good 2 be part of the joke. But then I didn't get the next part, when I ordered a six-inch roast beef, Jeremy made me pay 4 it? :( I didn't really have enough money, so he just scraped off the meat and veggies and gave me the bread. If it was a joke, I didn't get it. I went home and watched the part where Jessica does some radio show and Nick visits sick kids in the hospital. *SIGH* What an angel! But then Jeremy came over and told me he was just messing around in front of his friends, and he brought a 12-inch roast beef! I told him I can't eat 12 inches and Jeremy spit Sierra Mist all over the coffee table, all over Mom's Knitting World magazines, and then ran 2 call his work friends. No wonder I cried while Nick and Jessica sang "Take My Breath Away." They really are the dick.
EPISODE SIX:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was so… I'm sorry. I can't do this. Jeremy broke up with me. He said I didn't support his dreams and that I was needy and I held him back. "From what!?" I yelled, but he just told me he needed a girl who shared his love of online computer games -- he needed a girl more like the Aeon Flux girl. "I could be like her!" I told him, but he was already riding his scooter away from me. When I stopped crying so hard, I watched the show. Nick and Jessica are such a great couple. They share Christmases, going first 2 somewhere called Cincinnati and then 2 Texas. And Nick buys Jessica a new closet! It's 2 kewl. Oh God, I miss Jeremy. :( I'm going 2 go write in my blog and IM Jeremy 2 try 2 get him 2 answer me. Wish me luck. *sob*
EPISODE SEVEN:
N/A—Guest recapper.
EPISODE EIGHT:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was so doggone awesome! Get it? Hello? Notice I'm chipper again? Jeremy apologized 4 dumping me. Whee!!! :) *GRIN* He said it was just a lot of pressure from the job and his friends were teasing him because they think I'm fat, and I started crying but he said he doesn't mind that I'm a little chunky, but for some reason I was still crying after he said that. He made me stop eating my burger and instead gave me a 6-inch veggie with mustard -- and I only had 2 pay him half price 4 it. I stopped crying eventually and we watched Nick and Jessica try 2 decide what kind of dog 2 get. Nick wanted a stupid Husky but Jessica saw the most cutest little bag dogs. But they were 2 thousand dollars! But then they got neither. OK, gotta go -- Jeremy says I should do 500 crunches every day. Bye!!!
EPISODE NINE:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was so emotional for me. Why, you ask? I can't tell you. Okay, I'll tell you. Come closer… Me and Jeremy did it. SQUEEEEEE!!! ;) Yay! Jeremy picked me up after work and he was sorta drunk because he and his friends had 2 mop the floor after closing at Subway and my parents were gone seeing The Passion Of The Christ 4 the 9th time this week and we were kissing and then he pushed me onto the floor and then it happened! I'm a woman now! *SIGH* I'll never 4get the sound of Jimmy Kimmel playing over my head and the smell of onions and meat and mop water on Jeremy's hands. Then after we watched Jessica and Nick going skiing and having an amazing time, and I couldn't help but feel we're connected, me and Jessica. I bet her parents have seen the Christ movie a lot of times, 2. Thank you, Mel Gibson!
EPISODE TEN:
Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, you guys. I just found something out. I'm still a virgin! I know. I know. Last week after Jeremy came over, I thought we'd done it, 2. But turns out, after I called into this wicked old lady on the Oxygen network who talks about
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