4.18.94
this morning i slept through
my alarm again
and the radio
was playing
as it usually does
and the cure was playing
as it usually does
and the black in the song
and in robert smith's
sweater
fit my mood
and my life
and the hole
i sit in
and dangle
like the long sleeves
of robert smith's
sweater
that seem to just flap around
flap flap
hang hang
like my life
like sadness
like her having left me
and when i finally got
up
because ace of base
was beginning
to play and i just
so
could not take it
i realized that i was
hours late for my job
for which i have stayed
in new york city
upon graduating last year
and it is the only
reason now
that she has left me
and that is perfect
and fitting
that this job
should be my everything
now that my everything
met a man who teaches
pilates
whatever the hell
pilates are
and i brushed my teeth
and put on my
black shoes
and my black pants
and my black shirt
with the off-black leather jacket
just for some color
and did not eat breakfast
because really
what's the point
and i walked to the subway station
and was about to put
my token in the slot
when i just could not
bear to put
my coin into the slot
and the tears were coming
so i left the n station
and decided to walk
though it is 80 blocks
because i felt i really
deserved the punishment
for having given my heart
so completely
to a woman
who has four birds
and 2 guinea pigs
and does things
like pilates
and
eventually
pilates instructors
as well
and i began to walk
and as i walked
i passed sad
little people living sad little lives
and the breeze
felt not good
but at least
not horrible
on my face
and then that stopped
when crossing 18th
i saw a rat
pulling a dead pigeon
into an alley
and i followed
and i watched
in horror
and understanding
and calm as the rat
devoured
the pigeon
and i walked on
crying
and at 42nd
a man was selling tupperware
and i bought 47 pieces
of tupperware
for a dollar
and i wondered
why i had bought the tupperware
and began to hand out the tupperware
until i handed one
to a group of high school kids
and they hit me
saying
what the fuck are you doing giving me tupperware
you freak
and from the ground i said
thank you
she would have done the same thing
i also said
but they were gone
and so was my jacket
which is off-black
for color
but that was fine
and fitting somehow also
and my tupperware was scattered
in the street and was being run over
by taxi cabs
and that worked for me
and i watched the tupperware
massacre for a while
before i walked on
crying
remembering a day
when i was at her house
in happier times
before she let the pilates instructor
put his fingers in her secret garden
where i once ruled
with a green thumb
and on this day i was looking for something
to eat
and listening to the new billy joel album
back when i could stand billy joel
and there was a tupperware container
in her fridge
and i opened it
and inside was a note
that said
stee: don't eat
and i thought her joking around
was so funny
back then
in the time of billy joel
and so i ate this stuff
and immediately went into
massive abdominal
trauma
and began puking
all over her floor
and i realized that it wasn't
a joke at all
but a project
for her class in virology
and in the emergency room
i saw her approach
and felt better immediately
despite the knife in my stomach
and her yelling the word
stupid
at me over and over
and i walked on that day
and as i crossed 70th
there were 2 old women
sitting in front of a cafe
sipping coffee
and they looked so happy
and rich
that i pushed their table over
spilling coffee onto their fur coats
and i think breaking
one of their hips
oops
and i ran the rest of the way
to work
feeling much better
because she
would have gotten a kick
out of the look
on those old rich women's
faces
as they received their 3rd degree
burns
because she was funny like that
and i almost
felt euphoric
and the sun was out
and i bought a snapple
instead of coffee
which i never do
but the coffee made me laugh
at the scalding
and i knew i was going to be
ok
that is
until
i sat down
at my desk
and clipped on my earpiece
and said
hello learning annex
may i help you?
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