storm watch '99
"We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to
bring you this special bulletin from the KYLA news room."
TOM SIMONS: Good morning. In the worst disaster to hit Los Angeles since the 1994 Northridge earthquake: water is falling from the sky. According to an emergency meeting early this morning between the Mayor and the National Weather Service, this precipitation is commonly known "rain". Rain, while it will not "eat through your skin", can cause numerous severe problems, many of which the Southland is experiencing at this time. For an explanation, lets go to Sunny N. Breezy in the weather center. Sunny.
(An old white man stands in front of a computer screen. The screen shows an animated model of clouds.)
SUNNY: Thanks Tom. There are really two theories as to how this "rain" comes to pass. The first one is that big white puffy things, known as "clouds", a few of which have actually been spotted in the greater Los Angeles area in the last century, carry moisture that evaporated upwards from the surface of the earth. These clouds then, when certain temperature and pressure conditions are correct, release the moisture as "rain". The second and far more plausible explanation is that The Gods Are Crying. (Shot of a weeping Zeus.) Back to you Tom.
TOM SIMONS: Thank you for that Sunny. Lets go out to Renaldo Gonzalez in West Hollywood for a look at the disastrous effects this rain is having on our highways and byways. Renaldo.
(A dapper Chinese man stands in a near empty parking lot, a hood over his head.)
RENALDO: Driving. Its what we do. Our cars are our sanctuaries. But when the Gods Cry, those sanctuaries can turn into Nightmare Vehicles.
(We see shots of total gridlock.)
RENALDO: Traffic is almost at a dead stop everywhere thoughtout LA, many drivers unable to see past their own windshields. We have recently gotten word, however, that many cars these days do come equipped with what are known as "windshield wipers", which move back and forth across the windshield, making visibility possible again. Unfortunately, it seems that most LA car owners may be totally unaware of this feature.
(Behind Renaldo, a car drives through the parking lot at about 2 miles per hour, the drivers head sticking out the window.)
RENALDO: Poor visibility combined with the obvious slickness of the road makes for dangerous-
(Behind him, the slowly moving car begins fishtailing, before going into a major spin. The car runs into a wall, and explodes.)
RENALDO: Back to you Tom.
TOM SIMONS: Were getting reports now that the Dodgers game out at Chavez Ravine is being postposed. A sad thing really as it gives the Dodgers one less game to try to make up that 40 game gap between them and the first place Arizona Diamondbacks. Our Dodgers: just another victim of the rain. And of course, Los Angeles isnt be called Tinseltown for nothing. Today, however, that tinsel is hanging soggy and limp on the tree. We have a report from Susan Choi at famed power restaurant Spagos. Susan.
(A nicely dressed black woman stands in front of Spagos. She struggles to remain standing, despite the fact that there is no wind and only a light drizzle coming down. Wolfgang Puck stands next to her, totally untroubled by the rain..)
SUSAN: Im standing here in front of Wolfgang Pucks famed eatery Spagos. As you can see its really horrible out here, I just hope I can keep my balance. Behind me sits the usually packed patio dining area, where the elite of the elite come to meet, eat, and make deals. But there will be no deal making out here today as all of Hollywood is staying in, safe from this dangerous tsunami. How is this going to effect your livelihood Wolfgang?
WOLFGANG: I am from France. This iz rain. Just rain. We have zee rain all the time. I dont understand. Zee restaurant iz still open. Just sit inside, OK! Ver iz everybody? Jesus, you LA people are total pussies-
SUSAN: (whipping the mic away from Wolfgang, who stalks off.) This nightmare of water is sending shockwaves throughout the entire entertainment industry. Were getting word that actor John Travolta faced certain death moments ago as he attempted to land his private plane at the Santa Monica airport. Lets go out there where Leroy Finkelstein is standing by with the actor.
(A Native American man in a loincloth stands inside a small hangar interviewing a shaking John Travolta.)
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Oh man. I was flying in from a weekend at the Cape with my my good friend Bruce, when I noticed I couldnt see the runway on my decent, and was about to hit what looked to be a mile-wide fluffy white pillow. Only after flight control assured me they were weightless things called "clouds" did I continue my decent. It was close too. I only had half a tank of gas left.
LEROY: Will you ever fly again?
JOHN TRAVOLTA: I dont know. All I do know is that if it wasnt for the guidance of L.Ron Hubbard, and the fact that you can fly through clouds no problem, I wouldnt be alive today. I just dont know, Leroy. I just-
(Travolta bursts into tears and runs away. A buffed young man in a tank top, runs after him.)
LEROY: Rain: will this madness ever stop? Back to you Tom.
TOM SIMONS: (shaking his head) It appears, folks, that the answer to that question is, sadly, no. In probably the most devastating development in this time of infinite tragedy here in Los Angeles, we have received word
(Tom takes off his glasses and looks at his watch.)
TOM SIMONS: that as of 10:32 this morning, cell phone reception in Los Angeles is spotty.
(Tom wipes a tear from his eye.)
TOM SIMONS: It has already been a long morning folks. These troubled times are when a community really shows its true colors and comes together. I hope we can all remember that. Take care of each other. And God save us. God save us all. This is Tom Simons. Good morning.
Im off to Berkeley yet again
for yet another wedding. Four trips in 5 weeks. Im so done. If someone hands me
another bag of peanuts Im kicking some ass.
The Larry King Happy
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