never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

You Get A Choice!

A few years ago this space used to be really good. I had nothing but time to craft a special entry five times a week. Sometimes you got little plays. Sometimes dirty confessional stories. Sometimes the equivalent of desk pieces. There were also daily contests and sub-sections and pictures and all sorts of good stuff. These days, you don’t get that.

However. You now have an option!!!

You can, for free, read the blog—my occasional word or two, jotted when I have a second.

Or, you can pay me 10 bucks a month, and have access to my new journal! Where you’ll find at least three entries a week, all as funny as they used to be. With jokes and photos and contests and confessional revelations. JUST LIKE YOU USED TO GET. Isn’t that great?! Aren’t I generous?! Don’t you just fucking love me?!

Sound shitty? Well, the above is exactly what the movie industry is doing to us by introducing “upscale’ theatres, like Hollywood’s Arclight.

The deal is this: movie theatre quality has steadily declined over the years. From assholish service to the seldom-cleaned theatres to the constant stream of commercials before the regular commercials (previews). Sure, seats have gotten nicer and sound better, but it doesn’t make up for the low-quality service.

So, with the Arclight and other theatres, the exhibitor industry has decided to suddenly offer a decent level of service again—but at a premium price!

What a deal! they trumpet. You now have a choice! You can get the crappy, dirty, mean, baby-crying-behind-you-in-The Matrix service you’ve been getting lately, at the normal bargain 9 bucks, or, for only 14 bucks, you can come to the Arclight and get the normal, decent level of service you used to be able to rely on! But wait! That sounds like a shitty fucking deal to you? No! You’re wrong. Check it: you get assigned seats! Why? Uh, because it sucks to get to sit where you want. Too much pressure. See, now, if some big guy sits in front of you… you have the awesome pleasure of just sitting and bearing it, because you’re in an assigned seat! How is that good? Uh…Let me tell you about the other benefits!

Parking. Parking is free! Pretty sweet, huh? It’s also free at a lot of other theatres? Well, but here it’s… “upscale free!”

Did we mention that we have sausages on rolls? Yeah, fuck popcorn and Junior Mints. It’s all about sausages on rolls. How can you enjoy of movie without a good artichoke pesto sausage on a caraway seed roll? What if you don’t like the smell of meat invading your nostrils while you’re trying to watch a movie? Well, just move away from the guy eating the sausage. Oh, wait, you can’t move because of the assigned seat thing… Uh…

Did we mention that before the movie a happy employee will stand in front of the screen and announce the film? Yeah. Sometimes they’ll even ask, “How you guys doing?” before telling you that you’re here to see “Mystic River, directed by Clint Eastwood.” How fucking helpful and caring is that? Does the AMC do that? Hell no!

And wait! The best part! Check it! No commercials! Yeah, that’s right, baby. We proudly offer no commercials! You never used to get commercials? I know. But times have changed. The economics of the industry are blah blah blah. Look, man. It’s up to you. Come to our upscale theatre and pay 14 bucks to see a movie, or go to another theatre and pay to sit through twenty minutes of commercials. It’s your choice.

Who owns the other theatre? Oh, well, we do. So we get your money either way.

C’mon, you know you want a sausage roll.


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