never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Preemptive Celebrity Revelations -- Movie Edition

A number of months ago I made a preemptive strike, releasing a list of future scandals involving beloved television stars. I did this so that I would not feel inevitably duped -- lulled into believing everything is okay each time I see them on Conan or Regis & Kelly, only to months later have them reveal on The Insider or Oprah the "secret hell" they were living in at the time of said press junket or talk show appearance. What lies!

And because it has made me feel so much better having the upper hand all these months, here is the next installment in:


Chris Klein (Rollerball): Pica sufferer. Constantly craves dirt, clay, paint chips, plaster, chalk, cigarette butts, hair, buttons. The disorder is most common in people with developmental disabilities. Often carries small cache of gravel in jacket pocket. Katie Holmes never knew.

Olympia Dukakis (The Thing About My Folks): Was born without legs. Outfitted with rudimentary steel pegs by Greek doctors in 1933; teased daily as child. Has since moved on to high-tech prosthetics, one of which once fell off during performance of Medea at San Francisco's Actors Conservatory Theatre. (Audience thought it was part of the show.) Also addicted to rock cocaine; cutting.

Virginia Madsen (Candyman): Explosive Rage Disorder. Broke three of Paul Giamatti's ribs during a fight on the set of Sideways.

Devon Sawa (Final Destination): Huffs paint. Prefers Krylon because of its early association with the graffiti movement. Parents locked him up in his bedroom for most of 2000. He escaped to film Eminem's "Stan" video, which only made things worse. Much worse.

Sir Michael Gambon (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban): Painfully strong shoe fetish. Banned from most West End theatres for stealing the shoes of other actors. An entire floor in Notting Hill flat devoted to his shoe collection. Currently in fifth 12-step program for the disorder.

Amanda Plummer (Pulp Fiction): Pyromania. Inherited from father.

Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village): Was born without an anus. Doctors fashioned one from her father's spleen.

Danny Trejo (Spy Kids): Suffers from severe Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Entertains near-constant suicidal thoughts from mid-October to May. Had the interior of his mini-van outfitted with a special light therapy rig. It hasn't helped.

Mary Alice (The Matrix Revolutions): Sleep Terror Disorder. As a result, she hasn't had a serious relationship in thirty-six years. Limits herself to one-night stands only, often.

Anne Archer (Man of the House): Trapped in Scientology hell. Only joined to help her career. It hasn't. Currently locked in 5th floor of the Celebrity Centre on Franklin Ave. for "subversive thoughts" and delinquent payment for auditing sessions.

Haley Ramm (Flightplan): Alopecia Areata. Eyebrows and scalp grafted with over one million llama hairs.

Casey Siemaszko (Milk Money): Liljekonvall, a poisonous reaction to eating Lilies-of-the-Valley. Multiple occurrences. Despite known risk, just can't stop eating "those delicious fuckers."

Floyd Red Crow Westerman (Hidalgo): Inexplicably has epileptic seizures at the sound of John Goodman's voice. As a result, can only watch television commercials on mute.

Armin Mueller-Stahl (Shine): Believes the moon landing was fake.

Christina Ricci (Cursed): Develops unhealthy emotional attachments to anyone who is nice to her. The list of people who have sought restraining orders against her include: Cher, Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley, Jay Mohr, MC Hammer, Chris Kattan, Regina Hall, Vincent Gallo, Brenda Blethyn, Pat O'Brien, Lisa Kudrow, Moby, and Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Ethan Suplee (The Butterfly Effect): Eats babies. Could stop. Never will.


Anonymous Nelly said...

Loved it :)

1:53 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are so full of shit...

9:30 PM


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