never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Mona Lisa Pregnant! And Other Art World Revelations

PARIS - Researchers using three-dimensional technology to study the "Mona Lisa" say the woman depicted in Leonardo da Vinci's 16th century masterpiece was either pregnant or had recently given birth when she sat for the painting. Using the same high-tech equipment, the researchers will soon announce further revelations about the physiology and psychology of other famous artist models:

Fragonard's "The Reader" was not wearing underpants.

Michaelangelo's "David" had recently eaten honeydew melon.

The man in Caillebotte's "Paris: A Rainy Day" had an eleven inch penis.

The subject in Raphael's "Bindo Altoviti" was allergic to nutmeg.

The model for Munch's "The Scream" had fourteen untreated cavities.

The flower in Georgia O'Keeffe's "Light Iris" had self-esteem issues, but was working on them.

In Renoir's "Young Women Talking," the young women were currently discussing the seemingly mad perambulations of squirrels in the park. Previous subjects had included stockings, pregnancy, boys, and French Council President Jules Simon's unjust ouster from office.

The rabbit in Albrecht Durer's "A Young Hare" was gay.


Anonymous Nicole said...

That was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

1:07 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hee, hee HEEEE!!! I could read those all day long!

2:53 PM

Anonymous Kim said...

Honey dew mellon was pretty unexpected. It was best because the one about no underwear got me thinking there would be some merit to the observations. Then came the mellon.

Also, I didn't know Pamie was your wife. The constant references to Pamie had to be resolved through commenters finally calling her "your wife" recently. I think if you're going to make references to Pammie and post her birthday cake with that blue dog that is forever etched in my mind since it was page one of your blog for like forever, then at least indicate who Pamie is. Not all your readers have been reading forever or know you. I was troubled by that birthday cakee that was just stuck at the top of your blog for so long. Now so many months later I can finally understand and begin to move on.

I'm also currently similarly troubled by the short movie review clip you have on here. Who are those people and why am I exposed to an inside joke without explaination? It makes me feel alienated. I need to know who those people are and what makes that video so entertaining that it's actually on your blog. Get it?
Thank you,

6:20 AM

Blogger stee said...

Thanks, Kim.

The video isn't an inside joke. It's the remains of my comedy group The Film Pigs seeing movies and then babbling about them on camera. If you don't get it, it's only because we're not that entertaining. If we make you feel alienated, well, I blame Todd, the redhead. He's just a jerk.

FYI, the link on your name takes us to a page with your address and phone number. Maybe that's your intention, but there are weirdos out there.

Oh, and I'm sorry the birthday cake troubled you for so long. Sometimes in blogs people tend to just write the name of their friends and significant others rather than every time stating their relationship. If you're ever confused to the point of distraction about someone in my blog again, email me. I'll be happy to answer you.

Thanks for reading.

ps: The underwear thing IS true.

9:49 AM

Anonymous Tara said...

You forgot to mention that the flower in the Georgia O'Keeffe painting was a total slut.

1:28 PM

Anonymous Kim said...

Ok, thanks.
Crazy people, do not call me! My husband is a crazy Italian who loves italian subs and beating on crank callers.

6:07 PM

Anonymous Shannon said...

Oh Tara, who DOESN'T know about that flower? Town bike, I tell you.

6:17 PM

Blogger Sarafina Sixty Five said...


PS- The Caillebotte one is true too. My roommate dated that guy and, oh, the stories I could tell you.

6:09 AM

Blogger Kat said...

Hilarious! And I agree that the melon one was best!

Looking forward to the next film pigs.. and I'll have to catch that video when I'm not at work. ;)

12:53 PM

Blogger Blo said...

Brilliant! You are an amazingly perceptive individual and I look forward to some compilation of you explaining history through art. I think mankind will benefit greatly from clearing up so many misunderstandings of what these artists were really trying to say.

p.s. Thanks to Tess for leading me this way.

9:54 AM

Blogger Francis said...

If you're going to dissect art in this fashion, I think you should make it clear that you are joking so people who are doing research know not to take you seriously, because I used all your information in my art history final and I got an F and now I lost my student aid.

11:58 PM


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