never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Monday, April 17, 2006

I U Read This Fuck You.

11th Floor Bathroom. Los Angeles Criminal Courthouse.

I have jury duty. That's what I get for voting. The worst President in history, and jury duty.

After a day of sitting around, reading, staring into space, listening to my iPod, and walking for blocks to find lunch in the I-don't-care-what-the-realtors-or-alt-weeklies-say, it-ain't-"hip"-until-you-have-some-fucking-food-for-sale crater that is Downtown Los Angeles, I'm close to being on a case.

It's a long one, 15-days, they think. And after all the people made their excuses to the judge about why it would be too much of a hardship for them to serve (I didn't think "It's staffing season and I really should be available for meetings, plus I have a script due in a month and lots of TiVo to watch" would have received any sympathy), I'm perilously close to being an alternate or actually sitting on the jury. And I'm sure after the lawyers use their random dismissals tomorrow, I will be selected. I just have a feeling.

Unless, that is, I can figure out a clever way to get myself excused. I'm too much of a pussy to lie under oath and say something like, "I hate Mexicans" or "I'm highly claustrophic" (the latter of which is an actual excuse used to success at a recent trial a friend served on; I bet the first would just get you held in contempt). I could say something about how I'm still mad at all criminals because of my Honda being stolen a few months ago. But I'm contemplating something a little more subtle, like visibly smiling and laughing whenever the cute female prosecutor speaks and frowning and shaking my head whenever the defense attorney speaks. (Ooh, I should tell her during my questioning that she "puts the 'cute' in 'prosecutor'!" That would get me dismissed for sure. Or, a date!)

But of course there is a part of me that thinks serving on a jury would be interesting. I think if that happens, I'll campaign to be the lead juror, and then sway opinions just based on my whims! Or else I'll just whine whenever I'm not asleep, and occasionally entertain paranoid fantasies in which the defendant somehow gets the jury list and years after the trial gets out and hunts us down one by one.

The glassy, tired eye of justice.

On a more alcoholic note, I found a second bar in my neighborhood! (Third if you count the bowling alley.) It's called The Wild Hare and they have great beer and food and lots of booths and a fantastic juke box and BINGO on Tuesday nights. I'm just mad nobody told me about it. How dare you?

Frank at The Wild Hare


Blogger Allison said...

The Wild Hare looks awesome. I totally want to go there. Not as good as that Chimneysweep place, though, or whatever it was called.

5:29 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

But what if you show up to jury duty drunk? Won't that get you excused?

8:11 PM

Blogger jas said...

I suspect there's a script or three in the offing, if you play nice and get on a jury. You could be the next John Grisham, if you're not careful.

And yes, that's meant to scare you into wearing women's clothes tomorrow...

And finally, what on god's green earth do we have to do to get the Happy Song Center back? What, already??

8:20 PM

Blogger Sars said...

FRANK looks awesome. Love that "my Guinness and I will CUT YOU" expression.

Re: jury duty -- a lot of defendants panic and plead out once a jury's selected (it's happened to me twice now), so you might not be there that long once you're seated.

7:23 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Wild Hare is great. You Might Also Consider

El Conquistador! Where there is always adequete parking and the drinks are as wet as the broads!

4:53 PM

Blogger nicardo1 said...

Agreed that the personal life experience of jury duty can possibly be valuable in your line of work. People can tell you about it, but I'm sure your POV is as unique as you are. ("Prose-cute-or," nice.)

Digging the WH's upholstery, but please tell me the overhead lamps can be dimmed and there's no free internet access. Has a certain only-in-L.A./research library/coffeehouse/this'll-never-be-called-a-Pub quality. Though after a few rounds I'm sure I'd love it.

4:54 PM

Anonymous A.K. said...

If selected, you should devote your time to forcing the attorneys to put the system on trial.

7:46 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My dad always got dismissed by saying his best friend was a cop, and that he would always believe cops over criminals. If you're looking for a way out, anyway. I always thought it might be fun to serve. I actually got out of serving on a jury once because the terrorists attacked my country on 9-11. We were all sitting there, then the judge told us to go home, because something heinous happened, and the next day, no one even mentioned the trial.

9:30 AM

Blogger Judi said...

"On a more alcoholic note"


12:32 PM

Blogger Emily said...

I'm not familiar with CA jury selection processes, but my mom works for a different state's court system and they select jury duty from things like people with driver's licenses or who paid property taxes in addition to voter registration. So you could just be on jury duty for the privilege of driving.

2:01 PM

Blogger pamie said...

"But what if you show up to jury duty drunk? Won't that get you excused?"

I tried that. It didn't work.

3:55 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please don't go the Sweep.

3:00 PM


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