never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Friday, January 27, 2006

Preemptive Celebrity Revelations -- Me Edition

Watching Oprah's vicious and completely self-serving on-air scolding of James Frey yesterday scared the bejeebus out of me. And while the likelihood that I would ever be asked on "Oprah" is remote, my grandfather once told me that "Anything is possible." So just in case my grandfather was right and not just a deluded old man trying to beat polio, I would like to now make the following preemptive corrections and clarifications about the truthfulness of certain statements contained within the pages of my weblog:

March 4th, 1999 -- While the volume of cars in Los Angeles is indeed high, the statement, "I swear y'all, the traffic in LA makes me want to blow my fucking brains out, yo," may not have been accurate. The traffic simply frustrated me, but did not make me actually technically suicidal. Moreover, I probably wouldn't have been able to "fucking walk to work faster."

September 22nd, 1999 -- The party I went to in Dana Point was probably not in fact verifiably the "Best. Party. Ever."

July 7th, 2000 -- I didn't actually tell my girlfriend at the time, "The fireworks in the sky remind me of the burst of love I have for you every time our eyes meet." In fact, I didn't spend July 4th with my girlfriend at all. I believe I was passed out somewhere on the UC Irvine campus. That statement might not be true either. I was more likely at home alone watching "Battlebots." I probably also didn't have a girlfriend. And probably not "Battlebots" but "porno."

November 8th, 2001 -- The transcript of the conversation I had with my coffee pot did not in fact occur. Coffee pots cannot talk.

February 26th, 2002 -- Upon reading the article about President Clinton going shopping for cigars in The Onion that weekend, I did not spit Coca-Cola all over my keyboard rendering it unusable. Consequently, The Onion does not in fact and never has owed me a new keyboard.

October 19th, 2003 -- The photo of my cat lying upsidedown which I titled, "Happy Furry Friday!" might have been a photo I found on Flickr. It is possible the joke I then made about how lazy cats are was first made by comedian Steven Wright. It was also possibly a Wednesday, not a Friday.

March 9th, 2004 -- My recollection of being pulled onto stage by Bruce Springsteen during a concert might not have in fact been a recollection of actual events, but rather of a music video I once saw. Also, the "I" character may have in fact been "Courtney Cox."

August 21st, 2005 -- It is possible that my notes were wrong about the bullet that became lodged in my shoulder after a producer shot at me during a pitch meeting. I might not have, in fact, pulled the bullet out with my fingers and cauterized the wound myself with a Marlboro Red. According to interviews I recently conducted with friends who knew what I was brand I was smoking at the time, the cigarette used to cauterize the wound was more likely a Marlboro Medium.

January 11th, 2006 -- I thought it was clear that my description of being a working writer, selling screenplays and television pilots, and the hard work and luck and frustration that goes into it was purely for dramatic effect. I apologize if it wasn't clear that I actually work at Albertsons grocery store in the produce department.


Anonymous inavacuum said...

awesome. :)

11:31 AM

Anonymous Gayle said...

You funny.

11:55 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually laughed out loud, that's some funny shit.

12:00 PM

Anonymous Rhonda said...

Oprah's show yesterday scared the bejeebus out of me too. I don't like Mad!Oprah. I was waiting for laserbeams to shoot out of her eyes and melt Frey's face off.

Good thing you came clean.

1:52 PM

Blogger nicardo1 said...

Okay, I'll come clean, too. I guess it only SEEMS like I've read everything you've written (or posted) since junior high because of your online archives, and your occasional flashbacks to childhood diaries. You're far more prolific than I could ever keep up with.

8:22 PM

Anonymous Jackie said...

oh my goodness I totally agree...not only did Oprah piss me off but she SCARED me! I couldn't believe how angry she was, and how sad it was to watch James Frey slink lower in his seat like a 9 year old getting in trouble with the principal at school. I read Pamie's site first and heard that you were cursing her out from your living room....and I was much the same way. It was evil. Evil and weird. I get that she was lied to and she's mad....but geez, I read the book too, so I got lied to as well, and I care precious little. She needs to get off her high horse a wee bit.

9:40 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

We know what you did in Jollibee you sick Ugly American!!!

9:41 AM

Blogger Flann said...

I may or may not have just been stifling my laughter so that my coworkers don't think I've finally lost it. You can't prove anything either way.

9:51 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...



9:58 AM

Anonymous Erin said...

I seriously hate Oprah so much. I hated her already, ever since she had a germ-ologist (I made that word up) and he said you should change your sheets weekly and she gasped and tsked "Only every week? I change mine every day!", but the James Frey debacle has cemented her into the #1 position on my 'People I would like to punch' list.

11:15 AM

Anonymous SuMMer said...

I would like to direct your attention to your entry from January 12, 2006. You say, and I quote: "I would totally eat Marlboro ice cream." I believe this statement to be factually inaccurate,because I find it hard to believe that any sane person would truly eat cigarette-flavored ice cream. I feel duped. I think you need to go on Oprah and get bitch-slapped. :-)

3:01 PM

Anonymous z. said...

I though I was the only one that remembered the sheet changing habits of Oprah! And the answer from the doctor in the program still makes me laugh: "but not all of us have someone to change our sheets every day so once a week is enough"
Right after that, Oprah realized she had said a stupid thing, priceless.

4:38 PM

Blogger Jacob said...

That was good.

5:34 PM

Blogger Tess said...

Well, fuck. What next? Will you tell us there was never any Left Column with his sweet monkey-touch? Were you never, in fact, possessed by the spirit of Larry King nor able to channel the smoove vibes of Robert Downey Jr.? Say it ain't so, stee.

8:28 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Completely self-serving" is right. It might've been more convincing if it hadn't been a total 180 from her blase', "Well, it FELT authentic" Larry King-calling-in, ass-covering ass of 2 weeks prior. Shut up, Oprah.

12:01 AM

Anonymous SlappyJack said...

The good of the whole thing is it shows Oprah for soulless media whore she truly is.

Fuck you Oprah, I'm glad this book showed you for who you are.

FYI: I thought the book was pretty good, even with the whole fiasco bubbling around it.

I did have to peel the Oprah Sticker off of it first to make it "clean."

3:38 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I pulled the sticker off my copy too!

8:06 AM

Blogger Judi said...

Consequently, The Onion does not in fact and never has owed me a new keyboard.

I know I keep jumping all around your blog, leaving glowing, yet uninteresting, praise, but you just rule! Finding new sites by extremely smart and funny people is my favorite thing. And I am forwarding the link to every smart, funny person I know, because you deserve to have not only a movie, but also 2 television shows (one cable), a play, and ummm...I don't know. A pony. Or at least a new car (RIP).


12:18 PM


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