I want to punch Nick Counter in his soul. I want to buy Nick Counter a puppy and then just when he bonds with it, take it back. I want to kneel down behind Nick Counter and have someone push him backwards. I want to force Nick Counter to hold a giant Subway Sandwiches sign on the corner of Franklin and Highland. I want to spraypaint Nick Counter's glasses black, but just one of the lenses so he gets a terrible headache. I want to take Nick Counter out for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, talk on my cell phone the whole time, then stiff him with the check. I want to force Nick Counter to work at the Arclight doing those really awkward introductions to movies. I want to convince Nick Counter to come wakeboard riding, tow him out into the middle of the water, then unhook the board and ride off, flipping him the double bird as extra burnage. I want to tell Nick Counter he won a big screen TV but when he comes to pick it up, arrest him for outstanding warrants. I want to sign Nick Counter up for the Zac Efron fan club under the name Tiffany Amber-Peeson. I want to travel back to 1930 and hire hookers to pretend to fall in love with and seduce the college-aged Nick Counter so he wouldn't grow up with so much rage in his heart. I want to sign Nick Counter up for 25 subscriptions to Rolling Stone magazine, which would be very annoying because Nick Counter hates reading about Global Warming and Fall Out Boy. I want to force Nick Counter to ride from Los Angeles to Florida on a Greyhound bus, seated right next to the bathroom. I want to stab Nick Counter in the heart with a pencil dipped in sadness. I want to beat Nick Counter at Scrabble using only vowels. I want to throw Nick Counter into a well and then lower down a TV tuned to CNN, so he can witness how no one gives a shit that he's stuck in a well.