never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

The Adventures of NewlywedsSuperFan69:)

With the last episode of Newlyweds aired, people have been asking me to reprint my recap Homepage teasers, which chronicled a fan of the show's relationship with her abusive-y boyfriend Jeremy, and her love of the show, while providing a minirecap of each episode.

(Naturally, these are all from Television Without Pity, where they first appeared. They are reprinted by permission.)

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was soooooo funny. It's, like, their anniversary, right? But Jessica's awesome manager/dad guy scheduled a performance for Jessica in Atlantic City on the day before. Bummer! So they go to stay at this awesome hotel with that guy from that NBC show with the weird hair on every bottle of water. Like, maybe he owns the hotel or something. Or the bottles of water. Anyway, Jessica performs, and she does "Sweetest Sin," the song about doing it (sex! ;)) and then they go downstairs and gamble and then there are all these old people gathered and they're all so cute but Jessica, god, she's soooo funny, she keeps talking about how this doesn't look like Veags. And get this! She doesn't know what a bratwurst is. Smirk. Grin. ROTFLMAO. But then Nick is soooo sweet, you guys. Nick takes her to New York City to a big fancy hotel and he has rose pedals spread all over the room and even on the bed. Someone's really hoping to get lucky tonight. Squee! Anyway, they go to a fancy dinner and a horse and carriage ride and everything. They are so lucky. And so funny. Someone owes me a new keyboard, and N & J, I'm looking in your direction. :)

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was soooooo hysterical. So, like, Jessica has 2 go 2 New York 2 do appearances on super-cool radio stations like Z100 and that other one. G-d, she's so friggin' funny in person! Makes me wish I was a DJ, or, like, an intern, even. Then, because Jessica is such a kewl bean, she goes and does a show 4 her old high school somewhere called "Dallas." She's so flippin' awesome. Meanwhile, get this! Nick and hot brother Drew are left home alone, and I swear 2 G-d, they're so lonely, they just stand around the garage doing nothing! 4ever! Ha. And then she comes back and organizes a birthday party 4 Nick, who is depressed that he's turning 30! (I would be 2, that is old.) (I'd still do him ha ;). Anyway, Jessica takes Nick 2 a strip club with hot strippers. I love strippers. Jeremy told me he'd take me some day when I get a fake ID. Jeremy wants me 2 make out with a girl. I think I'd have 2 be pretty drunk, but I don't like the taste of beer. Girls are hot, though. So Jessica surprises Nick by jumping out of a cake. She looked so hot, I'd do her. (Calm down, Jeremy. Grin. :p) Then she caps off the awesome night by giving him an awesome diamond watch worth $55,000! Holy moly! It's so awesome, though. Totally blinged out. They are just the best couple. *SIGH* I wish Jeremy would buy me something. :(

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode kicked so much ass. So, Jessica goes shopping with her mother, right? They so have the coolest relationship, you guys. They can talk about anything. They even discuss something dirty in the middle of a store. (It has 2 do with sucking balls. Grin! Squeal!!!!!! ;p TMI, Miss Simpson! (After the episode, Jeremy IM'd me asking why I never did that. He's such a perv. Oh my god, the other day after he accidentally dug his fingernails into my arm 2 hard, he burned me a whole CD of Linkin Park B-sides! 2 kewl. *SIGH*) Nick and hottie brother Drew rent a bulldozer thingie b/c they have brand new videogames 2 lift up 2 the second floor. Like, real videogames like our parents used 2 play! So retro. Anyway, Jessica and her Mom spend like a million dollars at the store! Jessica gets in trouble when she brings home sheets that cost 1400 dollars! I thought Nick was about 2 hit her. He got that look on his face like Jeremy does when I don't like one of the songs he plays me on his guitar. He scares me sometimes :( Okay, you guys. I'm crying now. I'll… I'll see you next week.

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was the bomb! I was really lucky cuz Jeremy got off work (he's a sandwich artist!) so he could come watch the show with me this week, since he knows it's my favorite. :) We didn't really watch much, though, because he was in a bad mood and we got into a fight about my ex-boyfriend who really wasn't my boyfriend but it still makes Jeremy mad. He can be such a grouch. :( What I did see of the show was super great!!! :p LOL. There was something about a VH1 sketch the cutest couple in the world filmed. But then Jeremy broke my Good Charlotte CD because he knows I think one of the guys is cute, so I missed that part. But then Nick got 2 go B in a parade somewhere. But that was when Jeremy told me I looked fat, so I sort of missed that part because I was crying. :( But then he apologized sooooo
sweetly, you guys! And he let me watch the end where Nick and Jessica went 2 some place 4 Thanksgiving with Jessica's super-cute family. Then Jeremy surprised me with some cookies he got from work. That was the best nite eva!

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was the dick! That's was Jeremy and his friend have been saying, that when something's kewl it's the dick. He won't tell me where it comes from -- every time I ask, he and his friends at work laugh. But that's OK. Couples are supposed 2 live separate lives. Like Nick and Jessica, 2 cuties! Jessica totally tries 2 pick a song 2 sing and she doesn't know all these old musicians they keep mentioning, like she should. I didn't know any of them either, Jessica. Don’t feel bad. :) I went 2 Subway 2 visit Jeremy and 2 tell him about how Nick and Jessica go on tour together, and how they have funny little conversations backstage and in their hotel, and how their relationship "is the dick," and his friends all laughed, but it felt good 2 be part of the joke. But then I didn't get the next part, when I ordered a six-inch roast beef, Jeremy made me pay 4 it? :( I didn't really have enough money, so he just scraped off the meat and veggies and gave me the bread. If it was a joke, I didn't get it. I went home and watched the part where Jessica does some radio show and Nick visits sick kids in the hospital. *SIGH* What an angel! But then Jeremy came over and told me he was just messing around in front of his friends, and he brought a 12-inch roast beef! I told him I can't eat 12 inches and Jeremy spit Sierra Mist all over the coffee table, all over Mom's Knitting World magazines, and then ran 2 call his work friends. No wonder I cried while Nick and Jessica sang "Take My Breath Away." They really are the dick.

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was so… I'm sorry. I can't do this. Jeremy broke up with me. He said I didn't support his dreams and that I was needy and I held him back. "From what!?" I yelled, but he just told me he needed a girl who shared his love of online computer games -- he needed a girl more like the Aeon Flux girl. "I could be like her!" I told him, but he was already riding his scooter away from me. When I stopped crying so hard, I watched the show. Nick and Jessica are such a great couple. They share Christmases, going first 2 somewhere called Cincinnati and then 2 Texas. And Nick buys Jessica a new closet! It's 2 kewl. Oh God, I miss Jeremy. :( I'm going 2 go write in my blog and IM Jeremy 2 try 2 get him 2 answer me. Wish me luck. *sob*

N/A—Guest recapper.

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was so doggone awesome! Get it? Hello? Notice I'm chipper again? Jeremy apologized 4 dumping me. Whee!!! :) *GRIN* He said it was just a lot of pressure from the job and his friends were teasing him because they think I'm fat, and I started crying but he said he doesn't mind that I'm a little chunky, but for some reason I was still crying after he said that. He made me stop eating my burger and instead gave me a 6-inch veggie with mustard -- and I only had 2 pay him half price 4 it. I stopped crying eventually and we watched Nick and Jessica try 2 decide what kind of dog 2 get. Nick wanted a stupid Husky but Jessica saw the most cutest little bag dogs. But they were 2 thousand dollars! But then they got neither. OK, gotta go -- Jeremy says I should do 500 crunches every day. Bye!!!

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, this episode was so emotional for me. Why, you ask? I can't tell you. Okay, I'll tell you. Come closer… Me and Jeremy did it. SQUEEEEEE!!! ;) Yay! Jeremy picked me up after work and he was sorta drunk because he and his friends had 2 mop the floor after closing at Subway and my parents were gone seeing The Passion Of The Christ 4 the 9th time this week and we were kissing and then he pushed me onto the floor and then it happened! I'm a woman now! *SIGH* I'll never 4get the sound of Jimmy Kimmel playing over my head and the smell of onions and meat and mop water on Jeremy's hands. Then after we watched Jessica and Nick going skiing and having an amazing time, and I couldn't help but feel we're connected, me and Jessica. I bet her parents have seen the Christ movie a lot of times, 2. Thank you, Mel Gibson!

Hi! It's me. NewlywedsSuperFan69:) Oh my god, you guys. I just found something out. I'm still a virgin! I know. I know. Last week after Jeremy came over, I thought we'd done it, 2. But turns out, after I called into this wicked old lady on the Oxygen network who talks about sex, she made me realize we'd done something else. Something different. So I'm still a virgin. Which is good, b/c I don't think I like Jeremy anymore. When the old lady told me what we did, I suddenly was all, "Oh my G---, I almost lost it 2 a guy who makes sandwiches. Gross." Plus he dumped me the next day. :( But I do like someone else. Drew Lachey! After this week when Jessica made Nick a Vday feast and Nick hung out with Drew all day driving around a cool Ferrari, Drew was sooooo fuh-ney and kewl, I was all, "He will be mine." It's a silly dream, but I'm flying 2 L.A. tomorrow 2 meet my new idol. I found out his address and everything. Wish me luck! (ps: Newlyweds 4eva!)

Friday, March 26, 2004


An interesting flash film.

And a funny one.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

That's Why It's The FIRST Amendment

I'm just going to reprint what I wrote on Pam's comment thread, rather than write anew. But suffice it to say... naw, just read.

Ooh, on a totally unrelated note, I saw Robert Duvall having drinks last night at the Four Seasons.

He was Winter.

"The FCC will soon be able to fine an artist, like Bono, let's say, or Howard Stern, or Oprah, literally millions of dollars for anything they might have said, IN THE PAST!, and there is no trial. No nothing. Just a big fat fine levelled for saying "Shit" on the air a year ago or anything else the unelected FCC decides is vulgar, and BOOM! you're off the air, just like that. You're bankrupt.

If you don't think that's scary, you're a fucking idiot. If you don't think they're going to go after only certain people, you're blind. And if you're somehow FOR this sort of willy-nilly censorship via economic devistation by a completely unqualified panel of nepotistically-hired people (COLIN POWELL'S SON?! Seriously? Seriously! How is that even allowed! Why are we not all furious about this?), basing their decisions on the pure gobblety-gook that is the current language on indecency, you don't deserve to live in this country.

It's the fact that this is happening while The Passion is raking in the bucks, that has people scared. And please, all I think anyone is asking is that you take a tiny step back from your personal passion, and try to understand why non-Christians might find relgious furor and frenzy a bit nervous-making. Because historically bad things tend to follow.

Enjoy your movie. That's totally cool. But for fucks sake, this is still America. And we get to make fun of it the same way we made fun of Titatic or any other overhyped film. Just because it's about YOUR stories and myths, doesn't mean it's blasphemous or illegal for me to talk shit about it.

...Wait, or maybe it is. Check back with me next week after the Senate votes on the new FCC fines."

We Have Gone Insane

Yahoo! News - 'Idol' Judge Simon Cowell Denies Obscene Gesture

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Live Through This

It's one thing to watch a car wreck. It's another thing to watch a slow motion car wreck taking place over 13 years.

Monday, March 08, 2004

Not An Onion Article


Daytime television has the power to change lives -- and, apparently, to help end them.

On March 4, district attorney Gene Haynes of Mayes County, Okla., said he would not press charges against Teri Lynn Carver, who fatally shot her husband after they watched an episode of "Montel Williams."

Cecil Carver died Feb. 24 of a gunshot wound to the chest. His wife told authorities the two began arguing while smoking marijuana and watching the show.

When she was arrested, Carver had an abrasion on her head and claimed her husband hit her and fired a shot at her. She shot back.

Apparently Carver began pointing out the similarities between her husband and some of the subjects on the show.

The episode: "Surviving a Lover's Attack."

Free Speech

I enjoy rabble rousers. I don't care if it's silly or wrongheaded. People are quiet and thus free speech is being carved away, the environment is not only being destroyed, but the meager protections in place are quietly being removed by the current administration. Gas prices are moving up to 3 bucks a gallon -- and we are all just taking this.

And so if someone sits in a tree for two years or makes a "rude" speech at the Oscars, God love them.

And in that realm...

I don't like this band, but Korn has made a fantastically brave video that'll never be played on the air.

Watch it here.

Monday, March 01, 2004

It Grows Because We Let It

This CATHOLIC LEAGUE for Religious and Civil Rights embodies my frustration and fears.

Last week was particularly scary for me, partially because of Clear Channel's decision to drop Howard Stern from six of its stations. Now, I'm not worried about Howard Stern himself. He'll be fine. He'll probably end up running out his contract and then making a gigantic deal with Sirius or XM and becoming the savior of satellite radio -- cementing the struggling new non-commercial form as the radio equivalent of HBO, which has become a bastion of creativity and barrier-pushing in the good way. Or this FCC-appeasement period will, hopefully, pass and he'll sign a fat new contract. (Although, I can't help but feel a bit bad for him; I often think that I owe Howard Stern something for providing me with 25 hours of the most consistently sharp comedy for the last 12 years of my life. No one can match that. Those numbers are amazing, when you think about it.)

The reactionary tone in the country right now worries me a lot; the notion that satire is something to ban and focus on and we freak out about a boob during the Super Bowl as the biggest problem we have. The Pentagon itself released a study last week about the worst-case scenarios of global warming -- The Pentagon -- and yet we're focusing on a boob.

The saddest thing is that I can no longer listen to 103.1, the awesome new station that calls itself "LA's independent radio" -- because it's owned by Clear Channel. If you think media consolidation is not dangerous, think again.

But in better news, I won the Oscar pool at my party last night, so that's something.