never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

And Thus, A Tiny Tear Appeared In The Fabric Of The Universe...

On a Cribs I was just watching, Bow Wow was wearing a "Bow Wow" t-shirt.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Do Good Things

Even though I suspect there is almost no one who reads this page who doesn't read pamie's (our readership Venn diagram probably looks much like this):

...if you haven't, please contribute to her book drive. She's almost reached her extraordinary goal, because of her extraordinarily generous readers.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Preemptive Celebrity Revelations -- TV Edition

Oprah plays a lot in my household and aside from women screaming because they’re getting a new car/trip/face product, Oprah instructing the world how to raise their kids/how to cook healthy food/how to poo correctly, and Oprah promoting her own magazine featuring, each month, a new photo of her, it seems like Oprah is constantly giving celebrities a platform on which to rehab their image or jump-start their careers by revealing a horrible, dark secret. Recently, Brooke Shields was on talking about her bout with postpartum depression. And almost every day, People Magazine or Entertainment Tonight features a C-list celeb discussing the painful private battle that was killing them… behind the laughter.

And those admissions always have the exact opposite effect they’re designed to on me. They just piss me off. Not because they’re so often disingenuous and blatantly timed for some PR gain, but because I feel like I was being lied to the whole time the star carried on pretending everything was fine. And there is such a epidemic of, “That relationship/eating disorder/drug problem was killing me and no one knew,” that it causes me to be suspicious of everyone. Anytime I listen to some stupid junket interview, I’m wondering how coked-up the person is or if they’re hiding bruises behind those killer sunglasses. And often it’s someone you’ve never thought twice about -- and surely not someone you’d think would roll their family over in an SUV or hang themselves in a sleazy Vegas motel room after partying the night away with Andy Dick.

So in order to not feel duped again, to take back some control, I’m going to make some preemptive revelations about celebrities. Today we’ll do TV actors. Feel free to
send me your own
. I’m sure I missed some.

(*These are made without any rumors or prior information. These are just silly wild guesses. But I bet you I’m right on at least one or two...)


James Pickens Jr. (Grey’s Anatomy -- ABC): Anorexia. A recent development. Cast-mate Sandra Oh’s separation from director Alexander Payne drove her into a workout frenzy. Part of her obsession led her to constantly flaunt her abs and criticize her cast-mates eating habits at the craft services table. Pickens’ competitive nature made him the perfect target for the disease.

Angus T. Jones (Two and a Half Men -- CBS): Addicted to sex phone line, mostly Asian. Racked up over twenty thousand dollars in one month from his dressing room on the Disney lot.

Ron Lea (Doc -- PAX): Can’t function without being on at least three tabs of LSD at all times.

Vincent D’Onofrio (Law & Order: Criminal Intent -- NBC): Borderline personality disorder. Chronic condition. Lead him into intense/scary email relationship with fellow sufferer Michael Moriarty, which continues to this day. Not a good scene.

Simon Rex (What I Like About You -- WB): Hates black people.

Sean Gunn (Gilmore Girls -- WB): Gambling. Lost over a million dollars betting on his hometown favorite St. Louis Cardinals to win the 2004 World Series. Lost last hundred dollars to Liz Torres in Crazy 8's on set.

Britney Spears (Britney & Kevin: Chaotic -- UPN): Cheetos and Red Bull addiction. Also suffers from multiple STD’s; ringworm.

Rachel Bilson (The O.C. -- Fox): Pathological liar.

Daniel Dae Kim (Lost -- ABC): Animal horder. Keeps 91 cats, 14 ferrets, and a howler monkey in his Woodland Hills home.

Jillian Armenante (Judging Amy -- CBS): Sex addiction.

Kurtwood Smith (That ‘70’s Show -- Fox): Videogame addict. The Masterson boys got him into Halo 2 and he just can’t stop. Has developed epilepsy because of the gaming. Also, in trance-like state induced by hours of the first-person shooter, has allowed his younger “religious” castmates to sign him up for a slew of pricey courses at the Celebrity Centre.

Judd Hirsch (NUMB3RS -- CBS): Crack.

Michael Bain. Anthony Bain. (Yes, Dear -- CBS???): Shit themselves daily.

Poppy Montgomery (Without A Trace -- CBS): Brother is named Jethro Tull. That’s embarrassing enough.

Steve Harvey (Steve Harvey’s Big Time Challenge -- WB): Kleptomania. All his career he pretended to come from humble beginnings. Internalized it and, like, O.J., began to believe his lie. Steals mostly candy and gum.

Andrea Anders (Joey -- NBC): Enjoys peeing on people during sex.

Paulo Costanzo (Joey -- NBC): Enjoys being peed on.

Michael Welch (Joan of Arcada -- CBS): Has been in an abusive relationship for two years. Make-up and costume people on show constantly have to hide bruises with flannel shirts and base.

Jill Hennessy (Crossing Jordan -- NBC): Her show sucks.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Like Pink Floyd and The Wizard of Oz, Only For The Not Necessarily On Acid

So my comedy group FILM PIGS decided to create something incredibly esoteric that will certainly only be enjoyed and/or appreciated by a tiny handful of people... pretty much like everything we've ever done. We've created Alternate DVD Commentary tracks for movies. Right now we only have 3 of them up -- (oh wait, only 2. The third, The Day After Tomorrow, isn't up yet). You should listen to them while watching the movie. They're funny. And hey, not every comedy group can say they were at one time optioned by Sylvester Stallone for one dollar. (True!)

See the Press Release-like email below...

The FILM PIGS are semi-proud to present: ALTERNATE DVD COMMENTARY. Download a commentary from our web site, rent the DVD, and play them together for an authentic moviegoing experience right in your own home! (Authentic, assuming you go to the movies and are amazed at what pieces of crap they are.)

For those of you in the know, we are offering these commentaries as a Podcast or newsfeed. You can find the link at the bottom of our homepage. Since this technology is designed to automatically update you when there's new hilarious content, we won't be sending an annoying email every time we post a new commentary. You will just have to content yourself with the unending offers for miracle weight loss, 100% natural member enhancement, and pleas for help transferring riches from Africa.

For those of you who have no idea what were talking about but want to be informed by email when we do post new stuff, we will maintain a seperate list just for you. Reply to this email and let us know you want to be on that list. Also, forward us any email you get regarding 100% natural member enhancement. Thank you.


Thursday, May 05, 2005

It Had To Be Made

Here's an email from the director of the movie I made a couple years ago. It's me and John Hawkes from Deadwood (he plays Sol Star), and Homer Simpson and Karen Black and others. Please go rent it and vote on it. Extra bonus feature: me in my underwear! Here's the email:

Hello all!

Hope this finds you well. I'm dropping a line to let you know the latest about our feature film, "Buttleman".

For those who don't know, "Buttleman" is a comedy about a small town tuxedo salesman who thinks he's the next Evel Knievel. It stars John Hawkes (HBO's "Deadwood", "Me and You and Everyone We Know") as Harold Buttleman, with Anita Barone, Stephen Falk, Stephanie Jane Markham, Karen Black ("Easy Rider", "Five Easy Pieces") and Dan Castellaneta (Homer on "The Simpsons"). Website:

"Buttleman" will be available to rent on DVD for the next month through the Had to Be Made Film Festival. The festival has participating video stores across the country, and audiences rent the movies and then vote for them online. Below is a list of the stores renting our movie, so check out if there's a store near you!

For all of you who've seen the movie, PLEASE take a moment and vote online. It's easy. To VOTE on the film, go to

Click on the "Vote" tab and register - it takes about two minutes. This will also enter you to win a professional audio system from M&K Sound.

Then click "Vote Now!" and follow the directions.

Thanks a lot. As always, feel free to email me as well, I'd love to hear your reactions to the movie. Enjoy!

Francis Stokes
Writer, Director "Buttleman"


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