never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Saturday, December 30, 2006

God, Inc. Episode 2

The second episode is Francis Stokes' series about life in the offices of God. Featuring, in this episode, me!

Friday, December 29, 2006

Film Pigs Movie Review Vlog #6

The tagline for 'Rocky Balboa' is "It ain't over 'til it's over." Unfortunately, that's true. 102 minutes of Sylvester Stallone's transparent attempt to remain a star reached hilarity of Chekhovian proportions by about minute 50 and forced half of the Film Pigs to flee the theater in search of a bar. There, they attempted to "box" brain cells out of their heads with alcohol in a futile attempt to erase the images of Stallone's reconstructed body from their memory. Guest Pig Andrew Kamenetzky remained, if only to see Apollo Creed's old trainer Duke help Rocky through the shortest workout montage in history. All in all, a horrid experience that made the Film Pigs wish for the wit, charm, and craft of 'Rocky V'.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Hot, Like A Ghost!

"Your Sex Appeal:

Indeed, your understated, attractive nature has a way of haunting people long after you've left the room. And because your sexiness works its magic more slowly, you often make a far more lasting and powerful impression than people who walk into a room screaming sex."

Aw, thanks Tickle! You know me better than I do. (Also, you're still around?! Um... How? Why?)


Dear Grandaddy,

I know you're technically broken up and your frontman is a meth head or whatever and you guys live in shitty, shitty Modesto. But when you end a song with 5 minutes of crickets chirping and I have to finally displace my fat purring cat from my lap just to get up and forward to the next song because I'm about to have a brain aneurysm, you get deleted from my iPod forever.

Let this stand as a warning to all bands who put nonsense tracks on their albums. Yes, Tool, Pearl Jam, Beck, all of rap. I'm talking to you. It's not cute. Stop it.



ps: Stop laughing "Fitter Happier." Your ass is next.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Cingular Text Message Quicknotes For Los Angeles

To go along with the current default list of fifteen selections ("On my way" "Need more info" "Can I call you back?" "Need directions," etc.) I'd like to suggest to Cingular that they release special packets of regional-specific text message quicknotes. I think they'd be a really helpful way to quickly and safely text frequently used messages. Here are my suggestions for the Los Angeles-area packet:

"Stuck at light at Highland and Franklin"
"Final Draft just crashed"
"In line at Pinks"
"Getting colonic"
"Stuck at light at Lankershim and Camarillo"
"Being chased by paparazzi"
"My show got cancelled :("
"Punched my assistant. Send bail"
"You want Jamba Juice?"
"Andy Dick just hit on me"
"Come see my showcase?"
"Getting boobs"
"Stuck at light at Sunset and La Brea"
"In line at UCB theatre"
"Are you holding?"
"Stuck at clusterfuck light at Beverly / Temple / Virgil"
"Took too much Lorazepam, dial 911zzzzzz..."
"I had a very promising audition today"
"In bathroom at Lush getting bj from Paris"
"Stuck on 405. Go on without me"
"Where's nearest AA meeting?"
"I have herpes. Get checked"
"Getting carjacked, will call back"
"That's it. I'm fucking moving back to New York"

Friday, December 15, 2006

New Film Pigs Alternate DVD Commentary -- Invasion U.S.A.!

It's beginning to look a lot like Norris! The Film Pigs celebrate the season with the festive holiday picture "Invasion U.S.A." With the fierce demeanor of an indifferent koala, Chuck Norris saves America from the poorly-thought-out machinations of a Soviet terrorist and his band of extras from "The Warriors" with an empty, massive-stroke-like gaze and at least two kicks thrown by Norris himself. Once again, Chuck reaffirms the open-button shirt tucked neatly into your pants that is Freedom and the dense thicket of beard that is Liberty for us all. Plus, holiday well-wishes to our fans.

Download the yuletide mayhem at Film Pigs dot com and Happy Holidays to all!

Or subscribe at iTunes, under "Comedy." But still have a nice holiday.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


From Variety:

For someone who has been dead for 14 years, he's really good.

Monday, December 11, 2006

God, Inc.

The first installment in Francis Stokes' six-part series.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Thank You AFTRA-SAG Federal Credit Union!

When I arrived home yesterday I found a letter from my friendly (read: crooked, shyster-y, all around incompetent) credit union informing me that they had "A Holiday Gift" for me! They would be automatically allowing me to skip my December car loan payment as a "Thank You," so that I might have more money to "take care of all the shopping, traveling, and entertaining that needs to be done."

In calling to find out more, I discovered that this actually meant that the total amount of interest would actually increase! (They were only deferring the principal payment, not the interest. Never the interest.) In other words, they'd be charging me double interest the next month... right when all the bills from the shopping and traveling and entertaining that needed to "be done" arrived!

Thank you AFTRA-SAG FCU. That's the dickiest gift that's ever cost me ninety dollars to recieve!