never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Friday, March 30, 2007

God, Inc. Religion Article

Very thoughtful article about God, Inc. by the religion writer in the Chicago Sun-Times, Cathleen Falsani.

(By the way, Frank asked her and she says Robert Ebert is steadily improving...)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


If you were good boys and girls and didn't click that link yesterday you won't know what I'm talking about.

I'm fuckin' psyched when I'm in the top half of scores. This was my best showing yesterday.

(If you're reading this, USA Network, I'm totally working on the script. I swear.)

Monday, March 26, 2007

I Get Eleven Points Off The Word Quagmire

Don't click this link. I wish I never had.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Old York

On Day 9 of my trip to Europe, I decided to "hire" a car in Nottingham and drive North seven hours or so to Scotland.

I didn't get to Scotland because driving on the left side of the road is ridiculously difficult. There's no other conclusion to come to but that attempting to rewire your brain at age 34 while careening up the M1 in the rain and trying to shift gears with your left hand and follow's directions is a fools errand. I was, however, determined to make it to Scotland anyway because I am a stubborn Taurusian sumbitch. And then I saw this:

I'm a total California pussy when it comes to driving in snow and the prospect of getting snowed in and being stuck for a week in North Scurvyfordshireton wasn't one I relished. So I gave up and immediately stopped in York where I spent two days walking alone around the cobblestone streets and popping into pubs and watching rugby... and trying to figure out what the fuck rugby was and why there was so much hugging involved... and then somehow getting into rugby and cheering for Ireland even though I really had no idea what was happening on the screen. York is a fantastic town with bridges and churches and ruined walls and gorgeous old buildings which now house Virgin record stores and Starbucks. I understand why the Vikings kept sacking the place and taking it over. If I were a Viking, I would try to steal it away from whoever now owns it.

Sad Greenpeace tiger.

Flowers and ruins.



St. Patty's Day. Broken window at the Punch Bowl pub.

Oh, and don't feel sad for the Greenpeace tiger. He got his.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Film Pigs Movie Review Vlog #10

$130 million and still at #1, the Film Pigs skip with schoolgirl-like delight to what promises to be an ultra-stylistic bloodfest: "300". Even Falk rushes back to the States from his whirlwind European vacation to experience the sweet, sweet techno-slaughter. Two hours later, only sadness and confusion remain. (Todd and Skelton think they're sooooooo funny.)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

No Dark Sarcasm In The Classroom

And If I Haver

They were the big finale on the UK's version of Comic Relief.

Well, I guess they are funnier than Whoopi Goldberg.


I'm back from Europe. That place is far! I was on this one airplane for about 3 days I think. So long, I actually watched half of Night At The Museum. But I had a blast and return with a wallet full of strange money and an address book full of wonderful new European friends. No, not really. I pretty much didn't talk to anyone the whole time. But I couldn't have loved it more and will share stories later, like the time I thought it would be fun to rent a car in a country where they drive on the other side of the road and then just to fuck me the car they gave me was a stick shift. Oh yeah, and then it started snowing.

But in the meantime, if you haven't seen Mr. Show's The Story of Everest, you should. The first time Pamie showed it to me I actually had to look away I was laughing so hard I was afraid I'd vomit. Sort of like when I ate a Corish Pasty in York, UK the other day, but with less lard.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

"I Want Des Motherfucking Serpents Off La Motherfucking Avion!"

Mon Dieu!

The French also die quite stylish subway track deaths.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Tiny Car. (Or Giant Man?)

Look at that. The French are stylish even when they really have to pee.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

A Man. A Plan. A Canal. Amsterdam.

Monday, March 12, 2007

I'm Funny How? I Mean, Funny Like I'm A Clown? I Amuse You?

Why would Au Cirque D'Hiver use Robert DeNiro as a clown to try to attract people to their show? The French are mysterious, no?

Tant De Larmes!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Big Ben; Parliament

A bientôt.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Cal 9000

Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a CAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the C.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Can You Still Be Edgy If You Post Cat Photos?

Olive sees herself in Photo Booth and is confused by what she finds.

Aren't we all?

Friday, March 02, 2007

New Film Pigs Alternate DVD Commentary -- Crank!

First, "Crank" is quite possibly the best movie ever made about a guy injected with a lethal dose of poison who goes on a rampage against his enemies but takes time out to bang Amy Smart in front of a crowd in Chinatown before falling to his death out of a helicopter. No one with any sense of moral decency or concern over the decline of our civilization should see this movie. It is that awesome. Girls in plastic bubbles: at least 3. Redeeming qualities: 0.

So when you're done bending Amy Smart over the Learning Annex magazine stand, hitch up your Dickies and run screaming with rage over to Film Pigs dot com to download our latest commentary and discover the touching story of one Englishman who went up a hill, and came down fucking Amy Smart in the middle of a bunch of Asian tourists.

The commentary can also be podcast from iTunes. Search under "Comedy" to subscribe! Then it'll come right to you! Every four or six months or so when we get around to doing a new one.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

FIlm Pigs Movie Review Vlog #9

The Film Pigs attend the worst double-feature in history. What
should have be a delightful evening full of action and comedy only
serves to destroy the spirit and strain the liver. $63 wasted on
tickets, probably upwards of $100 spent wisely on scotch.