never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Ah Ha Ha. Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha...

*a book found at book store

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Strike Life -- Merry Mogul Christmas

I was driving down Laurel Canyon a couple days ago when a Porsche, who'd tailgated me the entire way down the hill, zoomed past me and cut me off, just to slap his cock down onto the table. I calmly moved into the other empty lane -- the lane he'd abandoned for no other reason than to get in front of me. When I pulled up next to him, not mad -- I've come to accept that people who drive Porsches are, every single one of them, total dickholes -- two tiny teacup dogs popped their heads up from his lap and stared at me, panting and smiling. Oh man, I could barely stop laughing long enough to take a picture.

On a separate note, if you happen to enjoy music, fun, laughter, or joy of any kind, you must play Rock Band. You cannot finish playing "Maps" by Yeah Yeah Yeahs on drums and not make this face:


*birthday boy and Bonham in training, David Dean

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I found myself part of a group of very talented improv actor/writers asked by United Hollywood (via the producing and directing skills of Laurie and Chris Nolan) to make a bunch of strike-related videos. Turns out the one I liked the best, one in which I play a WGA member thanking two Teamsters for walking the line with the guild (and looking like a bit of a weenie next to the bruisers) was not allowed to be posted. I guess it made us look wimpy. Or Teamsters look bad-ass, which, next to each other, they do and we do. But whatever. I'll get a copy and post it, because Brian Bradley and Guy Stevenson, the two Mad TV writers who played the Teamsters, were hysterical.

So just this past weekend we were asked to make a video in which four of us went down to the Santa Monica airport to supposedly watch the moguls taking off for Christmas vacation. Here it is:

Aside from posting some of the videos we did on the WGA America YouTube page, the non-banned videos can be found here as well:

Strike Life dot net

In "Writer Strike Blues" I get to sing some terrible white-boy blues with Rick Overton, who is such a nice guy on top of being so incredibly talented that it makes me sort of hate him.

Oh, cool. Actually they did manage to put up the Teamsters video on a separate page. It's here:

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Film Pigs Movie Review Vlog -- Enchanted

You know, sometimes a cultural phenomenon happens that just passes you by. Like video games, or "Hey Ya!", or staying in touch with your family. And when that happens, it can be a very dislocating feeling. You're left wondering what you didn't get. If something is wrong with you.

Well, the Film Pigs felt no such confusion walking out of Enchanted 20 minutes into the damn thing.

Skelton is actually being modest in this screencap.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Feel-Good Strike Moment Du Jour

Today while walking the picket line, having a conversation about the state of things and spiraling into a serious money panic, a guy in a brand new silver Porsche drove past, flipping us the bird, and shouted, "Get back to work, you greedy fucks!"

*Hugs* :)

Monday, December 10, 2007

Like A Pontiac Aztek Fucked A PT Cruiser

Number one sign the AMPTP are a bunch of old-tymey robber baron morons who actually MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND THE INTERNET AFTER ALL?:

They forgot to secure AMPTP dot com.

Very funny, guys. This is especially awesome:

We have already offered the writers a very generous $250 per episode for using their work on the Internet. Sure, $250 may not sound like much, but it adds up – a whole season of "Heroes" would cost nearly $6,000! Who's going to pay that money? Go look at at the "Heroes" web site – unless you count Nissan, Cisco, Sprint, and American Express, nobody's willing to step up and advertise on such a risky and unproven medium. And who knows how much longer those fly-by-night operations will be around? (I mean, have you seen the Nissan Rogue? It looks like a Pontiac Aztek fucked a PT Cruiser, am I right?)

...Oh man, the whole site is brilliant.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Christmas Wishes

I want to punch Nick Counter in his soul. I want to buy Nick Counter a puppy and then just when he bonds with it, take it back. I want to kneel down behind Nick Counter and have someone push him backwards. I want to force Nick Counter to hold a giant Subway Sandwiches sign on the corner of Franklin and Highland. I want to spraypaint Nick Counter's glasses black, but just one of the lenses so he gets a terrible headache. I want to take Nick Counter out for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, talk on my cell phone the whole time, then stiff him with the check. I want to force Nick Counter to work at the Arclight doing those really awkward introductions to movies. I want to convince Nick Counter to come wakeboard riding, tow him out into the middle of the water, then unhook the board and ride off, flipping him the double bird as extra burnage. I want to tell Nick Counter he won a big screen TV but when he comes to pick it up, arrest him for outstanding warrants. I want to sign Nick Counter up for the Zac Efron fan club under the name Tiffany Amber-Peeson. I want to travel back to 1930 and hire hookers to pretend to fall in love with and seduce the college-aged Nick Counter so he wouldn't grow up with so much rage in his heart. I want to sign Nick Counter up for 25 subscriptions to Rolling Stone magazine, which would be very annoying because Nick Counter hates reading about Global Warming and Fall Out Boy. I want to force Nick Counter to ride from Los Angeles to Florida on a Greyhound bus, seated right next to the bathroom. I want to stab Nick Counter in the heart with a pencil dipped in sadness. I want to beat Nick Counter at Scrabble using only vowels. I want to throw Nick Counter into a well and then lower down a TV tuned to CNN, so he can witness how no one gives a shit that he's stuck in a well.

Friday, December 07, 2007

New Film Pigs Alternate DVD Commentary -- Transformers!

Normally this would be where we make fun of the movie's tagline - something like "Transformers: Their War. Our World. Complete Waste Of Your Time." - but holy fuck, this thing is so dull it saps strength even after its running time concludes. Somehow, a movie has been made about giant robots covered in sharp spinning objects that turn into cars and jets and back into robots while they're fighting that's about as compelling as changing your cell phone's battery. It's the mechanical-man-in-conflict version of Paul Haggis' "Crash" - but with more believable commentary on race relations and road safety. Michael Bay has finally succeeded in stripping the very last shred of humanity from his films, perhaps hoping that his robotic overlords will finally let him leave planet earth. Which, apparently, is a pretty cool place to "kick it."

BONUS: For the first time ever, the Film Pigs screw up the DVD playback and ruin the commentary!

So head over to Film Pigs Dot Com to have yourself a robogasm.

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