never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Friday, September 29, 2006

Eighteen, And I Like It

Well yes, as Pamie said, it seems my poor little stolen-then-recovered-and-left-for-dead-at-the-towing-yard Honda Civic is having a very exciting second life. A bad life. A life of crime.

Cop chases and guns and trips to Tijuana. Born in 1988. Spending the weekend in jail in someplace called Vernon. Causing the cops to come to our house in the middle of the night. After years of prudery, suddenly, letting lots of strange people drive it. How do we suddenly have an eighteen-year-old?

We better start saving up for college immediately. Or, more likely, trade school.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Mona Lisa Pregnant! And Other Art World Revelations

PARIS - Researchers using three-dimensional technology to study the "Mona Lisa" say the woman depicted in Leonardo da Vinci's 16th century masterpiece was either pregnant or had recently given birth when she sat for the painting. Using the same high-tech equipment, the researchers will soon announce further revelations about the physiology and psychology of other famous artist models:

Fragonard's "The Reader" was not wearing underpants.

Michaelangelo's "David" had recently eaten honeydew melon.

The man in Caillebotte's "Paris: A Rainy Day" had an eleven inch penis.

The subject in Raphael's "Bindo Altoviti" was allergic to nutmeg.

The model for Munch's "The Scream" had fourteen untreated cavities.

The flower in Georgia O'Keeffe's "Light Iris" had self-esteem issues, but was working on them.

In Renoir's "Young Women Talking," the young women were currently discussing the seemingly mad perambulations of squirrels in the park. Previous subjects had included stockings, pregnancy, boys, and French Council President Jules Simon's unjust ouster from office.

The rabbit in Albrecht Durer's "A Young Hare" was gay.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Film Pigs Movie Review Vlog #2

The Film Pigs sit in the back seat of Stee's car in the Arclight parking structure discussing Jet Li's personal "Walk The Line": the Chinese biopic "Jet Li's Fearless." Also discussed, the new fall TV shows! And Todd's suffers from TiVo paralysis.

Friday, September 22, 2006


Joanie Loves Calchi.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Jay A. Fernandez Seriously Needs To Get A Fucking Hold Of Himself

In one of the weirdest, most self-congratulatory, and blowjobiest columns ever published, today in the Los Angeles Times, someone called Jay A. Fernandez writes about somehow having gotten a hold of the new Charlie Kaufman script called "Synecdoche, New York." Jay A. is very pleased with himself for having gotten the script and hypes his find to a level of Indiana Jones-worthy booty. He writes:

“But many people, beginning with Kaufman, do not want me to have the script, do not want me to read the script, and without question do not want me to write anything about the script. Words like ‘super-sensitive,’ ‘invasive’ and ‘freaked’ have been cautiously leveled at me as I've reached out to those involved with the project to get their thoughts on it.”

Once done letting us know that Charlie Kaufman knows his phone number (*squee!*), Jay A. goes to 1) vaguely summarize the world of the script and to let us know he looked up the meaning of the title in the dictionary (more than once!), and then 2) to let us know that Kaufman is directing the film himself and that, in Jay A.'s humble opinion, "...with the writer himself directing, it will likely gain even more color and potency in the translation."

Yes, because if there is one thing everyone knows, writers are always the ones best suited to direct their own work. That set up always works out for the best. (Hi, David Mamet and Sam Shepard.)

Finally, having realized his column has no point, through line, or thesis, he gives up and just does the journalistic equivalent of laying the script down on his desk and masturbating all over it. He compares the responsibility of having the script in his hand to Frodo possessing The Ring, and then actually says the following:

“’Synecdoche’ will make “Adaptation” and “Eternal Sunshine” look like instructional industrial films. No one has ever written a screenplay like this. It's questionable whether cinema is even capable of handling the thematic, tonal and narrative weight of a story this ambitious."


Finally, he pulls up his pants and ends, saying, "...moviegoers will surely be gorging on the power and depth of this film for a long time. Meanwhile, I feel terribly sick to my stomach."

I don't blame you, Jay. Pass the Pepto when you’re done.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Film Pigs Movie Review Vlog #1

The Film Pigs stand on the side of the 405 discussing hands down the arm-breakiest, baby-elephantiest movie of the late summer, "The Protector."

(The poor sound quality is by choice, by the way. Totally by choice.)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

New Film Pigs Alternate DVD Commentary -- Hostel!

Ah, scenic Europe. The Old World charm, the cultural sophistication, the endless barrage of titty and gore. Truly, this is a Very Important Movie with a Timeless Message. That message: everyone in Europe wants to brutally murder anybody under 30 who's wearing a backpack. They're especially interested in poorly drawn characters of 2-dimensions or less who have wasted about 40 minutes on "character development" (meaning, lots of 'what the?' reactions to bare breasts and calling everything else 'gay') before the first drop of blood is seen.

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for the Unrated Widescreen Cut DVD, according to the DVD jacket - "SickER and MORE Twisted Unrated". TV's Daniel Blau guest-comments and enjoys pizza rolls fresh from the oven!

So take the Eurorail over to Film Pigs dot com to download our latest commentary and discover the touching story of two ugly Americans who discover that vaguely-European character actors are all either money-grubing whores or twisted sadistic freaks.

We can also be podcast from iTunes. Search under "Comedy" to subscribe.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Bowling Victory! -- The Photoplay

Bowling Alley partially owned by members of Pearl Jam. Seattle, Washington. End of 8th frame.

BEN: Ha. How you like them apples, Mr. "I was on a bowling league when I was 12?" I'm totally going to win!

Stee manages to throw back-to-back strikes.

STEE: Holy shit, I won!

BEN: Argh. I hate you.

STEE: Hey, check it, guys. I won!

CLIFF, PAM, DARCIE: What? Oh, sorry, we totally weren't paying attention. What now?

The End

Scared Woman On Bus #2 Takes Care Of Business

Some people have emailed to ask me to try again with the photo. Not the best shot but you can clearly see her stellar mime work in full effect:

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Great Moments In Extras Acting: 16 Blocks

The best part of the Bruce Willis / Mos Def real-time opus 16 Blocks is, by far, a moment about 2/3rds of the way into the movie. Bruce Willis and Mos Def jump onto a bus and yell for the driver to hurry up, and to ignore the corrupt cops chasing them. Well, passengers soon see that ol' Bruno has a gun and they start understandibly freaking out; with his ghostly pallor, stupid gay porn mustache, and ridiculous hairpiece, Bruce Willis is quite frightening here.

The camera pans down one aisle of the apeshit-going passengers, and catches one panicked woman cry-talking to a friend on her cell phone. The only problem: she has no cell phone.

I don't know if she thought it was a practice take and she'd get her phone prop later. It's possible. But more likely she dreamt up the piece of business in an actor's fever dream, in the moment, and neglected to realize that unlike improv theatre or acting class -- which is probably what her acting experience was limited to at that point -- you can't just mime a prop when you're in Toronto (shh... New York) making a big budget movie.

Since my camera phone doesn't take good-enough stills to show you, here's a recreation:

Give that woman her SAG card... or whatever the Canadian equivalent. And a cell phone.