New Film Pigs Alternate DVD Commentary: It's A Wonderful Life!

The Film Pigs are full of yuletide cheer (booze) and wish to share their
heartfelt holiday best wishes with everyone. And what better way to do
so than by relentlessly tearing apart the mercilessly long Frank Capra
classic, "It's A Wonderful Life"?

Is it just us or is "Pottersville," the version of Bedford Falls where
George Bailey never existed, the most AWESOME PLACE EVER?!!! It's got
neon lights, dance halls, and titty bars galore! For some reason,
George thinks life is better without those things, which makes him a
douche bag. Pay attention to how much EVERYBODY in Bedford Falls
drinks, even the endless stream of extras, and you'll realize the
reason it's a wonderful life is alcoholism.

Point your festive holiday browser here and share our
commentary with the entire family. Except the kids. We are not
appropriate for children. Old people probably won't like us either, so
count grandma out. Oh, and anybody who loves "It's A Wonderful Life"
will absolutely hate us.

Happy Holidays everyone! And remember, what happens in Pottersville
stays in Pottersville...


...Also available through iTunes podcasts, under Comedy.

Voices From Spam, Part One

This was at the bottom of an email I got today for "V-iagr7." It's sort of hauntingly beautiful, in an Edgar-the-computer-from-"Electric Dreams"-tries-to-write-poetry-for-the-first-time kind of way:

"Finger little value.
Never, section forest about modern baby rock.
Are are talk center real?
Car ask baby. Song build please.
Why, these wood?
Ago, rock often care back, draw like.
Noon since power, is measure more to.
See name space slow.
Learn, are
now.
Our off, am party in."


It also sounds like lyrics from a Radiohead song.

The Tortoise Takes Another Step

I don't want to jinx it, but I received word this morning that the studio who owns the first script I ever sold, has just cast the two leads. And of all the hundreds of places the project could go horribly wrong -- including falling apart and never getting made -- the giant iceberg not going to be the lead actors. Because these two young actors are exactly what I envisioned. How often does that shit happen?

(Note: It's not Rachel Bilson, as I mentioned at one time it was going to be. Sorry Summer. And sorry TWOP, it could have made for a hell of a meta Mondo Extra.)

So we have a director, our two leads, a studio, and a script. And in a year, we could have a movie. Maybe I shouldn't be floored that something I wrote sitting at my dad's old desk over Christmas break four years ago might actually be made, but boy, I am.

Chapter Twelve

Jason plays H-O-R-S-E with Patrick Stewart and gets some advice.

Patrick Stewart puts the ball on the ground and sits on it. Sweat is beaded on his perfectly round dome of a head. I crouch down in front of him. I feel like I’m in church kneeling before Jesus. Or talking to Santa Claus.

A SHORT PLAY FEATURING ALL 15 OF MY NEW MOTOROLA RAZR QUICK NOTE TEXT MESSAGE TEMPLATES IN A ROW

GIRL: Oh, darling. Please tell me. Do you love me?
RAZR: Yes.
GIRL: I knew it! You have made me so happy! Quick, we must tell my father.
RAZR: No.
GIRL: You're right. He would never approve. It would be better if we just ran off together. We'll run and never look back, my love.
RAZR: Call me.
GIRL: Oh, okay. Usually it would be the other way around, but sure. I'll come to your window this evening after Mother and Father have gone to sleep.
RAZR: Need directions.
GIRL: Just come downstairs when I call from below your window.
RAZR: Where are you?
GIRL: Right here. I know, my love for you blinds me as well.
RAZR: Will call later.
GIRL: I promise, sweetheart!
RAZR: Busy.
GIRL: My heart is busy with love for you, too! I’m so happy, I must kiss you now. Oh, your lips tell of the promise of a million esctasies together, my love.
RAZR: On my way.
GIRL: Oh, uh. We're just kissing, but...
RAZR: Will arrive 15 minutes.
GIRL: My, you do last a long time! That bodes well for our future. But please. We must stop before we get carried away.
RAZR: Thank you.
GIRL: What?! Just because I told you we had to wait to join our bodies, you speak so sharply and sarcastically with me?
RAZR: Need more info.
GIRL: I've given you my whole self and still you need more! Don't you realize the sacrifice I'm making for you?
RAZR: Send # to call.
GIRL: I don’t even know what “#” means. Why do you speak such hurtful nonsense to me. We can't even communicate!
RAZR: Pick me up.
GIRL: Pick yourself up. We're finished.
RAZR: Can this wait?
GIRL: No, it can't. Oh, I am ruined. I'll never believe in love again. You have crushed my poor heart into a million pieces.
RAZR: OK.

Brokeback Sofa

"I wish I knew how to quit you, Cal!"

Chapter Eleven

Jason tries to reassure himself that he's better than his old friend Gary:

I’m taller. I’m better-looking. I have a nicer, more toned, lean, and tanned body. My lips are fuller. I didn’t have the cushion of parental money when I moved out here, and thus I have more character. I’m more compassionate and empathetic with the world around me. I don’t carry around the scars of being a fat kid...

Chapter Ten

After a rough night, Jason decides to build a Lego version of the Twin Towers. It doesn't go well:

When I finally put the roof on, which is composed of triangle pieces, tires, a few severed Lego people heads, and windows turned on their sides, I’m sweating and woozy from the Guinness and the intense concentration. I stand back to admire my work. It really is a stunning tribute to both the people of New York and to my own talents as a Lego architect. I pick up the camera to get both towers in the same shot, when it happens...

When Good News Met Bad News...

AGENT: So, I have good news and bad news.

ME: Shoot.

AGENT: The good news is, x production company really loves your draft and thinks you did a great job adapting the book for them. They're very happy and are really excited about moving forward and making this a real movie.

ME: Great! What's the bad news?

AGENT: You're going to get rewritten.

ME: Ugh. Really? Okay. By who?

AGENT: Nora Ephron.

Pregnancy Does Make Your Face A Little Ruddy

You know, there's something very strange about this photo.


See, I would have figured Julia Roberts for a Mets fan.