never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Hostage Gave Meth to Atlanta Fugitive - Yahoo! News

You know why drugs are awesome? Because you can be actually on them, while also telling a crazed murderer about the dangers of drugs, and how God helped get you off of drugs -- after sharing some of your drugs with him!

I guess it also shows why evangelical religion is so awesome, too.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Free Writing

This weekend I was stung by a yellow jacket while filming a scene for a movie, and then things got better because it rained last night while I was playing poker and I discussed Boggle and Snakes on a Plane and the Cowboys and a scotch tasting in the Valley that I'm thinking of attending. There was a little dog there and as he instigated a play-fight with me, I told him that he'd be a great dog if he was six times the size he is. He then looked quite depressed and walked away. Driving home the rainy streets smelled like... well, the inside of my car, because I had my windows rolled up as I listened to the aggressively-pretty and death-focused new album from Death Cab For Cutie and tried not to feel like a character from The O.C., which was fairly easy because I'm pretty sure none of the characters on that show drive a 17 year-old Honda with no air conditioning. Except maybe that troublesome, dangerous brother with the coke habit and the rape habit, but he's on a Greyhound brooding his way across the country right now, isn't he. I'm in a cafe right now waiting for the details on a blind script deal I am apparently receiving from one of the television studios. I have never received a blind deal. In fact, I'm unclear exactly what it means. But perhaps it will lead to my creating my own personal O.C., except my show is about assassins, and I won't wait for the second season to introduce a lesbian affair. There is a woman with a rather attractive face walking outside under the threatening skies, crossing back and forth across the street. Aside from her inability to decide on which side of Colorado Blvd. she'd like to stand, she is perfectly normal, except for her behind, which looks like it would require two seats in a movie theatre. Unfittingly big. Problematically big. I see she has now acquired a bottle of Mountain Dew. I don't know what to say about that, other than something about BASE jumping, perhaps. Today I watched The War At Home, but the Michael Rapaport sitcom, not that 'Nam movie that Emilio Estevez directed. Neither Wars at Home were very good, by the way. I have Thunderbolt and Lightfoot waiting for me from Netflix. Netflix has quickly become a more guilt-riddled part of my life than I ever would have imagined. Everyone in their omnipresent banner ads always looks so happy about the whole DVD-delivery thing. One of the ads should really have someone about to go out for the evening, shooting back a guilty glance at the red envelope sitting half-buried on the coffee table, containing the DVD of Klute. What's the difference between Surface, Supernatural, Threshold, and Invasion? And did anyone else notice the irony in changing the name from Fathom, to Surface, because, like, aren't those two things exact opposites? There is a guy sitting across from me wearing a Giants cap. I'm wearing an A's cap. I feel that we should fight or something. People who looked better fat: Roger Ebert, Al Roker, John Popper. I can't think of any others right now.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

FEMA Chief Waited Until After Storm

So fired. - Politics - FEMA Chief Waited Until After Storm: "Brown's memo told employees that among their duties, they would be expected to 'convey a positive image of disaster operations to government officials, community organizations and the general public.'"

Katrina Looms Over 'The Man' Premiere - Yahoo! News

Katrina's least funny victim.

Though in truth, I'll bet you twenty dollars the studio is goddamn happy to have something to blame on its inevitable floppitude. I'll pre-quote from the upcoming Monday's Variety article: "It wasn't exactly what we hoped for," said New Line marketing topper Russell Schwartz. "Clearly, after the devistating effects of Hurricaine Katrina, the nation just wasn't ready to laugh. And thus, sadly, a very funny film became Katrina's latest victim." Schwartz went on, while crying and boxing up photos of his wife and Lord of the Rings desk toys, "We have high hopes that once the waters have receeded, our healing nation will discover not only their personal effects unharmed, but also this very funny film on DVD."

Or what do I know? Maybe it'll make 30 mil.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Connick Surveys Father's Damaged La. Home - Yahoo! News

"I don't want to get looted by the one-eyed rogue crackhead out there."

With this quote, Harry Connick Jr. displays the grace and subtlety we might expect from a soft-jazz legend... with a dash of the lingering effects of all the LSD he apparently dropped in college.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Actually Fair and Balanced?!

For my money, I think the funniest website aside from The Onion is Man, they're always good for a few giggles, especially during big news stories like Katrina. All throughout the last few days while CNN and the BCC reports about looting and death and 50,000 people still trapped with no help on the way and growing lawlessness and just horrible, horrible stuff, the front page of has been various glory shots of Bush making important plans with important people and being incredibly reassuring, with headlines like, "The Cavalry Is Coming!" and "Help Is On The Way!" They're so dern optimistic. It's really adorable.

But you know you're in trouble as an administration when even the Fox News viewer feedback section is overwhelmed with criticism like, "The GOP just cost themselves the White House in ‘08" and "Why is it whenever there is an emergency, President Bush always seems to be coming back from or cutting his vacation short? Is that all he does?" and endless calls to, "Please bring 'our troops' home, President Bush!"

But a few of the great quotes along the lines of what one might actually expect to read are, "In spite of the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina, Laura Bush is the most reassuring first lady that this country has ever had in the time of tragedy" and "Bush's Department of Homeland Security certainly demonstrated their proficiency in handling a disaster. What outstanding leadership!"

Although in that first one, it sounds like the writer is actually suggesting Laura Bush caused some of the devastation and is "reassuring" despite that. And I'm pretty sure the second one was meant to be sarcastic.

But my favorite is this: "Only the French would give us a city built below sea level."

Wait, maybe that was The Onion.

Apparently Google Targeted Ads Have Been Taken Over...


Thursday, September 01, 2005

New Film Pigs Alternate DVD Commentary: Hitch!

The Film Pigs watch Hitch.

And learn that true love is always built on a solid foundation of lies!

There is a moment in this movie where an indignant Will Smith berates
Eva Mendes for critisizing his job as a "date doctor" by making the
point that women are too stupid and shallow to recognize the true
qualities of a man. Therefore, men are justified in crafting elaborate
lies in order to falsely win their affections. And she eventually
agrees with him! Hilarious. There are also numerous jokes highlighting
Kevin James' awkwardness. All totally subtle.

Also available for podcasting at iTunes, under Comedy.