never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Move Over Dr. Spock

STEE: "I was reading on Kevin Smith's blog that one night his daughter listened to Hollaback Girl like 15 times." (listening) "Huh. I guess I can see why kids like this song."

PAMIE: (dead serious) "Yes. Children love marching and strong beats."

There you go, people. Children love marching and strong beats.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

A Totally Deep Thought

Is it pure coincindence that the accepted short form for Capital One financial company, is "Capone"? Because they sure seem to be taking all my money.

Just like gangsters!!!


Yeah, okay.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Law Apologizes to Fiancee for Affair

To be perfectly honest, if I looked like Jude Law, I'd be fucking the nanny too.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Jenna Jameson Has Her Own Parking Spot

Right after I took this photo, the parking space totally blew me.

Monday, July 11, 2005

New Film Pigs Commentary! Ha, He's Named "Gaylord!"

This week, we provide a bitter soundtrack for the highest grossing comedy ever! Meet The Fockers.

If you ever wanted to see Dustin Hoffman take a shit, Robert De Niro wearing fake boobs, a baby say "Asshole" repeatedly, a dog flushed down the toilet, or Blythe Danner humilated and clearly drunk, mumbling the few throw-away lines she's allowed in an apologetic, hammered tone (oh wait, that's everything she's done in the last five years), go out and rent this movie today!

And to make it perhaps a little more palatable, listen to the Film Pigs suffer through it right along with you.

(Also available for podcasting at iTunes, under "Comedy.")

Gyllenhall Learns Not to Talk Politics

Thank God. Mouthy liberal.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Dork Bar Has Been Raised

Well played, Cal. Well played.

Olive? Response?

Thursday, July 07, 2005

In London, uninjured singer Omarion seeks prayers

"He wasn't hurt or anything, but just the fact that he was there and all that."

Don't laugh, y'all. Shit was straight-up hard to get a cab after that, yo. I love you, girl. Mmmm. You lookin' fine. Why you bleeding, girl? Oh, snap. Is that shrapnel in your arm? Well, I thank the Lord it missed your booty. Cuz that shit would be a national tragedy.

New Year's Resolutions, 1987

"My new years resolutions are:

1/2 - Lift weights!!!!!!!

1 - Take more risks (talking to people I don't know / not hold back / Get involved)

1 1/2 - NEED BETTER POSTURE!!!!!!!!!

2 - Play more tennis

3 - Get a real acting job or at least an agent

4 - Get a woman"

Me and Steve Jobs Are Like THIS

Well, for some reason Apple decided to put my comedy group FILM PIGS's silly Alternative DVD Commentary on iTunes. It's in the Podcast section under Comedy. (It's free, clearly.) There is also a new one up for THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, a movie which combines the excitement of a summit on global warming with the pulse-pounding adventure of Dennis Quaid walking! In snowshoes!

But, of course, as soon as it went up on iTunes our server was immediately overloaded and we had to upgrade. Ah, success is so trying...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Wisdom From A Sixteen Year-Old

From the diary of Stee, July 6, 1988:

"Today I almost saw an accident and even though nothing ended up happening, it could have changed their lives forever. One more second. But they just drove on casually...

And that's just a sad testiment to the state of the world and how people take life for granted."

Indeed it is, Stee. Indeed it is.

The entry then takes an unexpected, slightly less pensive turn:

"Tonight me and Andres followed a Dominos pizza guy in his car and freaked the shit out of him. It was hella funny. Then I rented Square Dance. That's a good movie."