never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Thursday, November 30, 2006


Last night I learned what happens when you watch Heroes and then Cheers right before going to bed. You have a dream where Ted Danson falls off a building and you fly up and save him. (And tell him how much you loved "Cousins" as you gently ferry him down to the street.)

I guess I could have dreamed about painting the future of Norm or putting my hand through Carla, so it could have been worse.

Save the mailman, save the world!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Film Pigs Movie Review Vlog #5

The Pigs discuss the new Bond flick, "Casino Royale," drink scotch in cell phone flasks, play with dogs, and ill-advisedly leave Skelton alone with the camera.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Scenes From Berkeley

Some of the millions of wireless signals I can pick up from the cafe where I'm working downtown include:

We Will Share
Black Omen
Nuttin But Soyoung
Green Weasel
Hot Bunz
Le Pud Palace
Berkeley Adventure
Rockin Pad

and my favorite...

Spank House North
(Kicks the shit out of Spank House South.)

Some guy with John Lennon glasses and a Manchester-in-the-60's Monkees haircut outside just tied up his dog to a parking meter (or in Berkeley-speak "safety-tethered his canine companion to a fascist symbol of unfair taxation on Earth-slaughtering non-bicycle transit mechanisms"), and then came back with water for him, and a blanket. And a scone. Then a super-hippie girl I recognize from High School walked in stoned with a giant hickey on her neck, and loudly annouced she wasn't buying anything but rather just came to get a napkin with which to blow her nose. She blew her nose and then left, passing an incoming lesbian with a mohawk and a vintage bowling shirt I covet. And then a three-legged dog outside the cafe barked at a passing college student, and his beautiful Native American owner ("friend / human guide") who was at the time reading "The Answer Within: A Clinical Framework of Ericksonian Hypnotherapy" didn't scold him but rather talked soothing words to him about chi and peace.

If I wrote any of this shit in a script, no one would believe me.

Friday, November 17, 2006


Michael Learmonth and Denise Martin are very proud of this article.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

And Thus, A Tiny Tear Appeared In The Fabric Of The Universe... Part II

Perhaps weirder than watching Bow Wow wearing a Bow Wow shirt, last night at Mastros I watched Emmitt Smith watching Emmitt Smith in the finals of Dancing With The Stars.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Film Pigs Movie Review Vlog #4

The Pigs discuss "Saw 3," diss the Cusacks, and tune out Todd. Plus, a cliffhanger...

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Pastor Haggard From "Jesus Camp"

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Variety: Roberts Hooks Yarn

Julia Roberts will topline family drama "The Friday Night Knitting Club" for Universal. "Friday," centers on a single mom who juggles the demands of running a Manhattan knitting store with raising her spunky teen daughter. Her regular customers gather once a week to work on their latest projects and chat, but when a tragedy occurs, the customers realize they've created not just a knitting club, but a sisterhood.

I can't believe it. That's the exact same plot of the spec I've been writing!

A New Man Law

You know what, Miller Lite, you fucking watery fake beer-like product? I like a little lime in my Corona or Pacifico. You insinuate that that makes me, what, gay? You think that makes me less than a fully-realized man? Well, suck it, Miller Lite you fucking disgrace of a beer. You faux beer. You fucking inanimate dildo to the beer world.

I'd like to propose a new "Man Law," Mr. Burt Reynolds. How about this? No man shall get plastic surgery which renders him fucking unrecognizable and turns his toupee-topped face into a scary rictus mask of surprise, defeat, and poorly-covered decay.

Man Law?

Man Law.