never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Great Moments In The Awkward Rebranding Of Death: Part 1

The big question: who's going first?

Ooh, or are they going together?


STEE: Huh. Angela Bassett had twins.
PAMIE: (beat) Recently?

Friday, January 27, 2006

Preemptive Celebrity Revelations -- Me Edition

Watching Oprah's vicious and completely self-serving on-air scolding of James Frey yesterday scared the bejeebus out of me. And while the likelihood that I would ever be asked on "Oprah" is remote, my grandfather once told me that "Anything is possible." So just in case my grandfather was right and not just a deluded old man trying to beat polio, I would like to now make the following preemptive corrections and clarifications about the truthfulness of certain statements contained within the pages of my weblog:

March 4th, 1999 -- While the volume of cars in Los Angeles is indeed high, the statement, "I swear y'all, the traffic in LA makes me want to blow my fucking brains out, yo," may not have been accurate. The traffic simply frustrated me, but did not make me actually technically suicidal. Moreover, I probably wouldn't have been able to "fucking walk to work faster."

September 22nd, 1999 -- The party I went to in Dana Point was probably not in fact verifiably the "Best. Party. Ever."

July 7th, 2000 -- I didn't actually tell my girlfriend at the time, "The fireworks in the sky remind me of the burst of love I have for you every time our eyes meet." In fact, I didn't spend July 4th with my girlfriend at all. I believe I was passed out somewhere on the UC Irvine campus. That statement might not be true either. I was more likely at home alone watching "Battlebots." I probably also didn't have a girlfriend. And probably not "Battlebots" but "porno."

November 8th, 2001 -- The transcript of the conversation I had with my coffee pot did not in fact occur. Coffee pots cannot talk.

February 26th, 2002 -- Upon reading the article about President Clinton going shopping for cigars in The Onion that weekend, I did not spit Coca-Cola all over my keyboard rendering it unusable. Consequently, The Onion does not in fact and never has owed me a new keyboard.

October 19th, 2003 -- The photo of my cat lying upsidedown which I titled, "Happy Furry Friday!" might have been a photo I found on Flickr. It is possible the joke I then made about how lazy cats are was first made by comedian Steven Wright. It was also possibly a Wednesday, not a Friday.

March 9th, 2004 -- My recollection of being pulled onto stage by Bruce Springsteen during a concert might not have in fact been a recollection of actual events, but rather of a music video I once saw. Also, the "I" character may have in fact been "Courtney Cox."

August 21st, 2005 -- It is possible that my notes were wrong about the bullet that became lodged in my shoulder after a producer shot at me during a pitch meeting. I might not have, in fact, pulled the bullet out with my fingers and cauterized the wound myself with a Marlboro Red. According to interviews I recently conducted with friends who knew what I was brand I was smoking at the time, the cigarette used to cauterize the wound was more likely a Marlboro Medium.

January 11th, 2006 -- I thought it was clear that my description of being a working writer, selling screenplays and television pilots, and the hard work and luck and frustration that goes into it was purely for dramatic effect. I apologize if it wasn't clear that I actually work at Albertsons grocery store in the produce department.

Friday, January 13, 2006


Someone suggested that perhaps Olive has a special love for Jeff Bridges, and that's why she's been spending her days staring at his photo on my wall.

Having a special fondness for Jeff Bridges is something I can understand. So just a moment ago when she was deeply involved in her Bridges-gazing, I conducted a little test.

I gave her an option. She could look at a very dapper Jeff Bridges in a tuxedo.

Or the boring-ol' Fearless shot she's now no-doubt memorized. Now, I'm no scientist, if it were just about Bridges, you would think that seeing another photo of her idol would interest her, right?

Well, nope.

Not interested.

Maybe next time I'll try something from Tron.

Fuck The DJ / I Did

Thursday, January 12, 2006

We All Scream

I would totally eat Marlboro ice cream.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Today, just now, Olive discovered the wonder of reflection. After 8 years of life. She has suddenly become obsessed with standing on my desk next to my computer, watching the mundane goings-on in my office (Pamie working, me eating an apple and working, Taylor sleeping, Cal being fat) through the framed Jeff Bridges Fearless movie still on the wall.

Like it's TV.

I honestly used to think Cal was the numbskull of the family.

But I'm no longer so sure.

Double Fault

I just spent an hour writing an entry that disappeared when my browser crashed. Hate. Anger. Etc.

I just have two questions blazing through my head this morning:

1) Why the fuck did The World tell me I just HAD to switch to Firefox? Does The World hate me? Does The World love slow dickbag browsers that hang up and freeze and crash constantly? Is this some bullshit about malleability and programmability and open sourceness and bullshit like that? If that is indeed the case, is there a single compelling reason for someone who just wants, like, a new window to actually open when they hit Open Apple+N to use Firefox?

2) Last night we saw the entertaining-by-recent-Woody-Allen-pics standards / genre semi-parody Match Point. If there is a worse actor on the planet than Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, can somebody please name them? (And don't say Father Mulcahy from M*A*S*H, the little girl from Small Wonder, or Heather Graham. I already thought of them.)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Monday, January 09, 2006

Oh. So That's What Friends Are For

Heard tonight while watching VH1 Classics during the video for 1985's "That's What Friends Are For"...

STEE: Which two of these four do you think fucked?

PAMIE: (pointing at Dionne Warwick and Gladys Knight) Those two.

To give myself fair funny credit, today while driving home from Palm Springs, Pam was upset that she couldn't find the famous roadside rest stop dinosaurs she visited often in her childhood...

PAMIE: Shoot. I wonder what happened to the dinosaurs.

STEE: Most scientists think it was a giant astroid.

Looking more closely at the video, I think Pam probably was right:

The New Year Begins!

Okay, sure, it's nine days late, but we finally returned from Palm Springs, where we were not watching celebs get fake awards at the Palm Springs International Film Festival as some were this weekend, but rather sitting by the pool and celebrating our first annniversary.

It was a great and relaxing time full of food and sun and wine and seriously not much else. And NOW we're home and really ready to start 2006. For real this time.

Well, after I figure out how to buy a car.

(Some photos are up at Flickr. See the right sidebar.)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Both Something From My Nightmares AND Dinner

...At least in Louisiana. This is the discard tray from the sixteen pounds* of crawfish we consumed on New Years' Day.

(*Not a comedic exaggeration.)

It was a truly excellent time and a wonderful way to ring in both the New Year and Year Two of our marriage. We shot off fireworks in the street that we bought from a tent! Right in the city! Where they sell fireworks!

We had a New Years' Eve dance party.

We recreated our walk down the aisle.

Got bass lessons.

I even learned the joys of listening to sports radio sitting in a truck.

And altogether just had an awesome time.

(Vince, I'm sorry I shamed you so at darts. I'll send you something cute from the Delia's catalogue to make you feel better.)


This is from my first jaw-dropped trip to a rural Walmart. I call it "Girl W/ Guns."

Others call it freedom.