never been a bitch so I don't act bitchy

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Show Me That Smile Again

Tracey Gold Gets Probation

Friday, March 18, 2005

The Big Question

What TV drama will be the first to have Robert Blake guest?

I'm thinking JAG or one of the Law & Orders.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

"We're Gonna Need A Bigger... Citronella Candle!"


Less Is More

I'm not big on inventors or entrepreneurship, in general. That sort of stuff doesn't excite me much. The guy who came up with the iPod is clearly brilliant and I reap the benefits of his work, sure, but it is something so out of my realm of thinking, I have no relationship to the invention or any insight into the processes that got him to that Eureka! moment. Smart inventor guy. Good for him. He should meet the guy who invented Playstation 2. I'm sure they'd have lots to talk about.

However, occasionally an invention/innovation will come along that will floor me with its simplicity and elegancy. For example, when I was younger, way younger, like, Junior High, I came up with an idea I thought was brilliant. It was a fake car alarm for those who couldn't afford one! I had a whole manufacturing plan in place, too. It would be a tiny box running on a watch battery. One side would be sticky stuff so you could affix it to your dashboard, the other side would hold a blinking red light. When you left your car, you would turn it on and the light would blink, indicating you had a car alarm so robber, please move along. The other part of the package would be a very realistic sticker you would affix to your window, also indicating you had an alarm. Secondary evidence, as it were. "But wouldn't people get wise to the fake alarm company name?" Well, I would print five hundred different stickers! Confusing everyone, including the would-be burglars! Laziness and beer and, like, the prom kept me from ever doing it, and then of course, someone else did. Sure, maybe they did it before I ever had the idea. I don't know. All I know is I'm not a millionaire and I don't have a hot tub.

Here are two people who have hot tubs, and whose work I'm currently astounded by its elegance and simplicity and eau de business genius:


Alright, naturally, everyone on the Internet loves them, including me. I've been to numerous shows, have most of their CD's, etc. geekness, etc. But I'm currently on their jocks not for the clever songs and eclectic artistry. No. I'm crushing on them right now because they started writing music for children.

It seems very simple, but most great ideas do. Never best sellers, TMBG's, after dabbling in television scoring and musicals, released a children's album a few years back called "No!" It sold more than their normal releases do. And that got them thinking, boy. They wrote two more children's albums, "Bed, Bed, Bed," and "Here Come The ABC's," and expanded their new tot business, aggressively inking deals with Disney and Simon & Schuster. Crass and selling out? Well, no. Not at all. For one thing, TMBG's music has always been creative and humorous and experimental and sonically accessible and playful, all of which lends itself perfectly to music geared at children. The other half of that is that they are such good songwriters -- and because of that playful spirit already inherent in their music -- one doesn't get the sense that writing about the letters "LMNO," for example, would be a come down from writing about purple toupees or James K. Polk. It's difficult to imagine that they would find suddenly, partially gearing their work towards children binding or dispiriting; like the look behind the eyes of failed action star Vin Diesel as he promotes The Pacifier.

The other reason I admire this move from a tactical standpoint, is that finally parents have something to listen to other than cloying shit like Raffi. Additionally, old-school TMBG fans are popping out kids left and right! Perfect timing! Granted, weird little babies who get read Dave Eggers books as they drift to sleep and grow up on Soy Milk and the sound of daddy playing online gladiator games in the other room, but children nonetheless. Everybody wins!


I have a serious gay crush (unless it's a woman) on whoever concocted this fucking thing:

"Here's my sales pitch. People will give me their money. I will give it right back to them... but they'll only get 91% of their money back. That's all I do for them. I TAKE money from people, and they are happy about it afterwards. Who's in?"

Coinstar is genius. It is actually the "Change Bank" sketch from Saturday Night Live come to life. It's the most simple, perfect thing I've ever heard of, because everyone walks away happy! Banks stopped accepting loose bulk change and rolling coins is a fucking tedious endeavor. Enter Coinstar with its happy green machine, chillin' at the supermarket next to the firestarting logs and the dog food, casting shadows over the cheap-ass vending machines spitting out Homies and seven Skittles for a quarter. Coinstar doesn't even have to give you shit It just takes. Takes and takes and then prints out a tiny receipt for part of your own money back. And you walk away happy! Pure evil genius.

So They Might Be Giants and Coinstar, I salute you.

Now if you could just figure out at way to work a Roomba into your next offerings, I'll marry you both.

Monday, March 07, 2005

New Real World Recap "Weight And See"

Sarah's mom comes to town and in one short visit, explains everything about Sarah's poor self-image, bad choice in men, false sexual bravado, and general insecurity. Also, the kids finish building the deathtrap of a playground for the children at Northern Home, prompting Karamo to express his love for Landon in a commemorative plaque. Also, Jon Bon Jovi -- the hell?

Link here.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Be Cold

In the files of "poor choice of advertising space," Be Cool runs a trailer on the Rotten Tomatoes Be Cool page.

Some of the reviews directly below the trailer for the movie include:

  "A lazy, rhythmless, and redundant piece of moviemaking."
-- David Denby, NEW YORKER

  "This stunningly inept movie is an early contender for worst film of 2005."

"F. Gary Gray seems a clueless bystander, watching the new machine attempt to clone the earlier model's rhythms, gestures, and confidence, but never knowing which switches to flip."
-- Michael Atkinson, VILLAGE VOICE

  "The only worse thing than starring in a bad movie is using it to call up memories of a time when you were terrific. That's not cool at all."

  "John Travolta returns as the reformed mobster he played in Get Shorty. But while Get Shorty rode the Pulp Fiction craze with finesse, Be Cool is running on empty."
-- Manohla Dargis, NEW YORK TIMES

"Resents the mind-numbing antithesis of cool."

  "There's an excess of corn, confusion and chaos in Be Cool, but not much of anything you could call comedy."

Currently, the reviews are 25% fresh. (That's 75% rotten, for the mathless.)

UPDATE: It seems the ad space is on a rotation, so you may get different ads, which aren't as contextually amusing.

A guide to Beck and Scientology for journalists and fans.

I've never been quite sure whether or not Beck is a Scientologist. I have a mildly tangled relationship with the cult (an ex-girlfriend joined after years of us trying to get her sister out, I wrote a play that was reviewed by the LA Times parodying Scientology and received hate mail because of it) and remain grimly fascinated by it to this day. A few years ago I started hearing rumors that Beck was involved. Since, I've learned Beck married the redheaded Ribisi from Dazed And Confused and that both his and her family are old-school Scientology families. But again, I still don't have an answer.

Well, here's a long, semi-paranoid but interesting answer.